Ocean Eyes

When she was nine she got her first dose of reality. Dose of a worls that isn't so kind

Because When she was nine he covered her mouth gripped her waist, touched her thighs and told her this was their secret thing. Her secret spot. His secret fling. A secret buried so deep where nobody would ever  find

Because when she was nine she had no idea of the world consent. Couldn't even differentiate the birds from bees

Because When she was nine rather than being a father figure taking her to gymnastics being a coach of her little leagues when she was nine you unlocked the latches to her door. Nah you broke into her without any consensual keys

Which sucked i mean she began to lose voice of her words but ultimately knew she would be fine.

but when she was nine the main thing you let come to light was her deep ocean eyes

Because for her she put her emotions to the back, laid down while you opened her. Stayed low was quiet because deep down she knew the abuse would never last

But how long can you hide emotions when at 10 your body count is already at five

How can she pretend that this isn’t happening when at the age of 10 before even realizing exactly what sex is all she could tell is that there probably will never in her life be a drive

And how long can she remain sane when at the age of ten you allowed five different men five different keys to her doors, open accesses to her walls, open access to places that shouldn’t be seen

A place where there  the sound is quiet and vacant, a place that will leave herself and her home destroyed because rather than it only being one intruder consistently for some cheap beer you allowed for them to have “fun” making it now  three

How long can you lay low when to the world you're viewed as a hoe, whore, fast, useless, or a waist so essentially when will you ever actually be free

And what happens when you're in the 5th grade in class notice blood and realize that you're starting to bleed

What happens when your period comes and you've never in your life have been so happy because for the first time since you were nine you finally are going to be able to get a week's worth of relief.

But little did she no at  the age of ten her ten year, 120 month 43,800 day old reproductive systems break would only be brief.

Because at the age of eleven  when he was participating in his foreplay he never saw the meaning behind the use of protection

To him it just was about watching the fear go extratic when looking into her ocean eyes, to touch on her, play with her just enough so he could deal with the lump in his pants, you know his erection….

So  at the age of eleven she went against her family's god her god. Worked with his devil's her  family's religious beliefs. Dealt with the shame the hatred the abuse, because she She killed her child and with that dead child he became a thief

Because by not resisting her eleven year old body that has been getting ruined for the past two years

By not resisting her eleven year old body, pieces of her, half of him, all of her and now half of the both of them

he made the decision to take away their  byproduct so now all she feels is tears, the waves, the storms, the rage, the tsunamis the pain that is found within, her ocean eyes

But deep down she figured that within this short span of her life everything would be okay even though he took away the four different versions of them

But the more she thought and reflected she more realized that she wasn’t actually sane because  when she was at the mere age of 16 the additions began to stem

For her the drugs, the alcohol, literally any form of substance was an escape from her mentality her reality, her actuality, her life  an escape from the physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse

For her to become an addict was the only logical way to forget that when she went home hands would travel clothes would unravel cries would be muffled screams often were silent, tears gone straight down to the pillow

when all the pain was inflicted

For her to become an addict seemed the only logical thing to do  when she needed something that would help to induce this harsh reality that for so many years multiple parts of her have been stolen, small and large parts that not many people will notice

That will never get the chance to become depicted

Because how else can she face being alone with her teacher when he holds her back in class and all she can think about is “please do not hurt me”

and how else can she deal with the  constant fear that every male figure has it out for her, that their entire life is centered around exploiting her body and mind

How else can she explain to her temporary boyfriend that she isn’t ready for sex because in her mind there's a constant fear of being hurt, and instead she just tells him that she still is a virgin

until when he’s actually inside her and feels lied to and deceived so she has to explain that her virginity was taken by hands that were not so kind

And how else how could she live with ideology that for seven years it was supposed to get better and for seven years it was supposed to end but rather than ending for seven years her innocence repeatedly got stolen and when she spoke up who would believe that for seven years

at 16 with her fourth version of them it

wasn’t her fault, her reckless behavior, her poor decision, but the fault of the an empty father figure she has never actually been able to find

Because who would believe that for seven years when she decided to go mute at the age of nine it would be her biggest mistake and now comes to mind every time she cries

Because with seven years of the abuse is it really worth putting forth the effort because no matter how hard she tries to fight it's something that only motivates him harder to try

Because for seven years who would actually believe. Because who would actually believe her when they take one look and all they see is the damage, the drugs, the pregnancies, the abortions, all the the things that just make her look like a damaged teen

I'm so sorry she wrote

I can't handle it anymore can't keep taking blades like their daggers running them deep into my wrist pretending that this  the pain doesn't exist

You should be sorry she wrote

because for the past seven years you took advantage of your child, ruined pieces of me and in the end still some how found the mental capacity to show no remorse

Because you should be so sorry that when i was only nine you entered my bed and told me that if i wanted to be a big girl this pain is something only you could enforce

I'm sorry she wrote

But i cannot physically or mentally continue to embed myself deeper and deeper into his web of lies

You should be sorry-

I'm sorry she wrote as the tear drops flowed and she finally closed her ocean eyes