Oct 6

How could I treat you so bad? Like you were my sissy boy there to serve me, while I bark orders at you and degrade you. How could you stay and put up with a fucking cunt like me? How could you have loved me so much? I pushed you away and then I would suck you right back in then push you away again. Why didnt you see, see how morally bankrupted I was? Playing all those fucked up mind games with your head. You should of stayed away. Far, far away. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. It didn’t start off that way. The way we came into one another’s life was serendipitous. A story we would of told our grandkids. Our relationship would play out like listening to a Your cousin responded to my Facebook post. I was freakin out about my car. I need a reasonably priced mechanic. Being the Facebook friend whore that I was, a bunch of people responded to help. I ended up getting connected with your cousin for help with my car. I don’t remember much about him, but as I recall he invited me out to dinner with him that night. I also remember I had zero interested in him. But for some reason I agreed to go. Later, I was glad I did. Your cousin was staying at your place during that time. That is when we first met. I entered your house. Standing in your living room, it is there, that I lay eyes on you. I knew right then and right there, I was drawn to you. You were so sexy standing there with your boyish grin. Sporting a baseball cap, T-shirt and some loose fitting jeans that I would later unzip. You took a drink from the glass of whiskey your were holding.then taking a drink of your whisky. Being hospitable you asked me if I would like a drink too. I can still remember the taste of your whiskey lips. We hung out that night having some drinks the three of us, awkward right. Well thankfully, your cousin couldn’t hold his liquor and passed the fuck out, leaving it just me and you. Sitting by each other at your dining room table. I was checking out your tats. I showed you mine. We swapped the stories behind the ink. You did all your tattoos yourself. Most of them just practicing your art. So I told you about my grandma, how she was all I had and how I had lost her. I told you how my grandma liked sunflowers. I had been wanting a sunflower tattoo in memory of her. So I wanted you to draw me a sunflower on paper. I wanted to check out your skills. Somehow, the combination of the intoxication from drinking and the intoxicating chemistry we were sharing, but we were so up for doing the tat that night. The craziness of that, the way I put my trust in you that night right from the start. Now that sunflower is a forever memory on my shoulder today. Having to special memories behind it. Oh God how the sexual tension between us kept getting more intense. Or maybe it was the needle penetrating into my back. I had to take a break. So we walked up the stairs, quietly, so we wouldn’t wake your cousin. We went in the bathroom and checked your work in progress in the bathroom mirror. I wasn’t paying much attention or care to this piece of art that will forever be on my shoulder. No, my attention was on you. We were just standing there, in your bathroom, our bodies leaning in toward one another. I could feel the surging energy between us. In that moment, you leaned down and kissed me ever so gently at first, then more hungrily as we released all that pent up desire for one another. I loved your mouth. The way you kissed me. The sweet taste of your whiskey lips. I wanted to drink you more. I will never forget that kiss. That was the best first kiss till this day that I ever had. I’ll drink a glass of whiskey from time to time just to be back in that moment, if only for a minute. The rawness of our passion between one another, the way you grabbed me by the waist with one hand and your other hand at the nap of my neck, pulling me tighter to your body. It was so god damn intense. I had to force myself to break away from you. I didn’t want you  to think I was that kind of girl. Just meeting some guy and letting him put a permanent mark on my skin. Then fucking you up against your bathroom sink. So I pull away. It turns into cute playfulness between us.  Like a boy and girl on the playground, playing during their recess. We run around your house, you only in your boxers. I’m just in my bra and panties. I let you catch me. We fall back into each other. It was so fucking intense. I knew this was going to be more than just a one night stand. I had to have more of you. I wanted to learn about all of you. There was something about you. You were sexy and strong, yes, but you had this sweetness about you this playfulness. How could I treat you so awful. How could I have taken such a good man for granted. I didn’t appreciated you then. My grandma and grandpa would of loved you. You reminded me of my grandpa. I always said he was an honest hard working loyal man. You were all that and more. I was so fucking broken when I met you. You shouldn’t of stayed. I didn’t know how to deal with what was going on with my life before I met you. One minute, I thought I was free to be happy and secure. I really thought that when I met you, I was free to be me again. Obviously that was wrong. My thought process, my beliefs and the way I felt about myself became more and more fucked up, twisted and distorted. I truly, truly, never thought I could be the way I was. I couldn’t be the person I turned into. I certainly could never never conceive of the fucked up things I did to you. I kept running back to my abuser. I kept leaving you for him. You would take me back every time and each time I came back, I treated you worse and worse. You didn’t deserve that. Fuck! Fuck! Now it’s too late. I’m finally fucking free. I’m finally ridding the toxic waste in my fucking life and becoming someone that would have fully appreciated you. Capable of being there for one another. Creating more lasting, happy memories. I don’t know what you saw in me, why you stayed. I didn’t like me then. I want so badly to show you who I am today. I see how I treated you, I treated you so badly and fucked with your head. All the tears you cried. I know not all just from me. You had so many things you were struggling with. I didn’t even know half of your pain. I didn’t notice because I was self absorbed bitch. So I wasn’t there to help you. I wasn’t there to listen. I wasn’t there to show you I really did care. I should of been there. I will live with this hollowness inside of me forever. You know I’ve been by your house out there. I drove by and seen it. I seen the tree where it happened, the big tree in the backyard. So many emotions ran through me as I looked at what used to be your house. Your yard. All the memories I had of you there. Now it’s stained with my guilt, pain and regret. I cannot believe I won’t be able to call you up and say hello. By the way that’s how I fucking found out. At that time we haven’t spoken to one another in months. Thoughts of you popped into my head. So I began Looking you up online for a phone number. I instead came across your pic with your obituary underneath. I drowned in an unbearable, all consuming pain. Thinking you must of been feeling worse than that, to bring yourself to that point. You were the most honest, loving, caring, sweetest, toughest, manly, sensitive, creative, and simple man in the world. You were deserving of much much more than I could of even in my right mind given you. I hope that you are able to somehow see what’s going on in my life now and that you hear me when I talk to you. When I tell you I’m sorry. I love you. Forgive me. I will never forget you, I can see that sexy smile in my minds eye. I will drink whiskey in your honor and I will recall the taste of your lips on mine. Till we meet again.