Ode to a Dragonborn Mary Sue

I speak to the dead, After I have wasted three and ninety lockpicks Just to get a potato out of a long forgotten box. How is it not rotten? I really need to get to Whiterun but Lydia blocks me in the hallway. How is it that I can kill a dragon, but I am Completely unable to push this woman out of the way? I have a basic knowledge of magic, But somehow I lead the Wizard's College. I have killed three contracts, but somehow, I lead The Dark Brotherhood I failed at pickpocketing, And yet I lead the Thieves Guild. I accidentally married some woman with really stupid makeup. Man, I suck.