Ode to My Father: Did you Notice?

Did you notice when I was born? When I took my first step? Lost my first tooth? When I turned one? Did you notice when I liked wrestling more than cheerleading? When I liked to play video games and cheered when I realized I was closer to being the son you wanted? Did you notice, when I knew you would let me win just to make me feel better after losing five times? Did you notice how I followed you like you were the sun to my moon? Did you notice the look on my face when I watched you break my mother’s arm? The look of fear and sadness because I didn’t know what to do? When you slapped her in Orlando but proceeded to take me to Disneyworld to find Mickey Mouse? Did you notice the sadness and tears I felt when you argued in front of me? The development of my anger and realization that love includes arguing with your partner? Did you notice that I wanted a younger sibling? The pain on my face when she lost not one but two of my siblings? Did you notice the settlement that I only had a mom, dad, and two cat siblings? Did you notice the envy I had for all my friends and family with more than just one kid? Did you notice the love and happiness I felt when you proposed to mommy on Christmas? Did you notice the pain in my eyes when she lost the baby the next Christmas? Did you notice the hate I developed for Christmas?

Did you notice the quietness that developed afterwards? The lack of laughter, pitter-patter or love?

Did you notice when I started puberty? When things got bigger (or smaller), marks or bumps started to appear or when my emotions started to shift from child to young adult? When I started to ask questions that you wouldn’t answer? What is love? What’s happening to my body? Did you notice when I started my period? When I hid in the bathroom, crying because I didn’t know what was happening to me? No? Well I started in you guys bed. Did you notice that your little girl was on the verge of womanhood?

Did you notice that I saw when you didn’t respect my mom? Or me? Did you notice when I learned you were cheating? When you used my cheerleading events as an excuse to see your mistress? Who happened to be my friends’ mother? The friend who took her life after letting her demons win the constant internal battle she struggled with? Did you notice when my mom caught you at the game but didn’t want to make scene for my sake? Did you notice you are the reason that I quit cheerleading?

Did you notice when I went to high school? When your relationship with my mom was at its end but you both tried for my sake? Did you notice my heart break when you walked on Christmas with a promise to not return? Did see me reach in the cabinet and have my first taste of vodka? Did you notice when I tried to find the love you wouldn’t give me in different boys? When I tricked by a junior male into believing he cared about me? Well him and his friend? Did you see when I met my first love and finally started to get the love that you wouldn’t give me?

Did you notice that you started the downfall of my mental health? When I started to participate in whatever I could find that would make me feel something other than what I was feeling? Did you notice that you are the reason I stopped showing emotions or crying in front of people? The reason I cannot truly ever open myself up to anyone? The reason I have separation anxiety and believe that no one wants to stay with me? The fear I have that I am a bother to everyone and in order to make them stay, I have to hide my feelings and emotions and take theirs on so that they are happy?

Did you notice when I almost lost my mom? When I thought my heartbreak was bad but hers felt like she was dying? When she would stop eating and got skinner by the moment? Did you notice when I started to cry because I thought she was going to leave me too? When I had to beg her to eat something as small as a tv dinner? Where, when she finally ate, I walked her like a hawk until she had her last bite? Did you notice where she got healthier? For a while, we were good, it was

just us. Did you notice when she started to drink more because you kept causing hell in both of our lives? Did you notice the destruction that you left in your wake because you decided you wanted to play tug of war with our hearts?

Did you notice when I had to get into therapy? When we both had to get into therapy? Where you created such a rift between us that we couldn’t talk to each other? Did you notice that we both are two fucked up individuals pretending to be okay? Did you notice it only took for you to leave for us to realize that?

Did you notice that at the age of 15, I had to grow up quicker than most people at my age? Did you notice when I started to cope by throwing myself into school? Where I started to take college classes so that I could run from home and from you? Where I started to distance myself from Cleveland and run to other places with the hope that you would not be there? Did you notice the happiness I felt where I didn’t spend my summers here?

Did you notice the slight ping of happiness that I felt when I discovered that mommy was pregnant? Did you notice the anger I felt when I realized it was you that she was pregnant by? The betrayal and sadness there because I thought we moved on from you? Did you notice that every time she carries one of your children and they survive, it’s when you aren’t in the picture?

Did you notice that my little brother looks exactly like you? The eyes, smile, and nose? Just like I have. Did you notice, he doesn’t know what you look like or who you are? Did you notice that you haven’t seen us since I graduated high school? Did you notice that I am about to graduate college? Did you notice that we are moving on without acknowledging who you are and why you matter?

Did you notice that I still can’t sit through the father daughter dance at a wedding without running out the room crying? Did you notice that you will never meet the love of my life? Or my kids? Did you notice you will never be around for my accomplishments? Did you notice that I don’t need you anymore because I have my mom?

Did you know that I am trying to grow as an adult and I want to stop being angry at you and what you did? Did you know that I just want my dad sometimes? That no matter what I say in this poem, I love you? Did you notice that every time I tried to write this, I ended up crying? Well maybe you should notice.