Oh Be still my insistent heart

Oh be still my insistent heart

Oh be still my angry heart.

You give me things I do not want.

The things I want, tear me apart.

You inspire me to things I can not start.

Oh be still my angry mind,

 you make me want answers I cannot find,

of which you should know, but you’ve made yourself blind!

Upon my patience you viciously grind.

Oh be still my beating breast,

Passionate, longing and never at rest.

I yearn for something I can’t be,

I yearn for you to see something you don’t see.

Be loyal, No! Be free!

This war will cause the death of me.

Be still my pierc-ed heart;

Reject the dagger that’s like a body part.

Of my life and my energy,

That huge bleeding burden still alive,

My heart beats as this projectile sticks out of me,

Like sword, a wand, turned knife

Like a lightning bolt from god to stop the pain, oh god, oh god, oh god not again.

Sadness leaks from me like sap,

Love me, love me, love me! slap.

Oh be still my angry heart

you pained and awful useless part.

 OH be still my awful mind,

 the warehouse of the cruel unkind.

Of which the cruelest shall always be,

 the memory of what was supposed to be.

Oh be still my insistent heart,

my insistent mind, my faith depart,

there is no more love for me,

there won’t be any, you can’t make me.

If you were any good, I wouldn’t have an imaginary sea,

Made by tears of endless tragedy.

Oh be still my searching eyes

that look for truth where no truth lies,

that yearn for a kind expression on your face,

that I’ve never seen in any time or place.   

Oh be still my aching skin,

 that longs for touch where love begins,

that barren place that used to feel,

where no pulses beat from dull grey steel.

Oh be still my flying soul

where love once made this body whole.

Where life breathed hard like a fiery foal,

Where nothing at all could drag me away,

Where did you go, where are you today?

What happened to the part that heals,

 That opens up and loves and feels,

 What happened to the steps I know

That took me to the place to go.

What happened to a life so real

 That I always knew what I always feel?

Where did I go and what became of me?

I am here but I’m afraid to be.

Be still my aging careworn face,

that shows how my frightened thoughts do race

I cannot keep up this panicked pace!

This battle could cause the death of me

Will I get out alive from my PTSD?

The memories so old and hard,

Like a beaten pan I should discard.

Loyal feels a foolish word,

I stayed so long it was just absurd.

What love can live on in memories,

when that love has ceased to please?

What good was your love if it always leaves?

Oh be still my insistent heart,

 if you grew wings you'd fly apart.

Calm and guided I grow old,

To curse the day your soul turned cold

because I would not do as I was told.