Oh Love, I'm Sorry

i look at you, the way you stare at me, the way you hold your head against the wall and set your feet against mine and wait. 

You have to understand.

I can’t.

You move your eyes to stare at the sky, as if you can see it through these demented ceilings, which trap me and suffocate me and deliver me home, reminding me. 

I look at you, your empty holes that mark your eyes, the way that you seem so full and so devoid of everything, a canyon with a river running through.

I’m sorry, I can’t get swept away.

You know I’d drown. 

You sit there patiently, letting me speak

nor not

because most of the time I don’t know what to say,

but you don’t mind,

because for once, I have found someone who likes the silence just as much as I hate it.

I drink your silence like poison, and let my veins turn black,

savoring.

I swear I don’t mean to, but sometimes I look for you where I go,

just to see if your soul happened to show up amidst the crowds of grey shadows,

you towering over everyone, your hair marking you out, your hunched back and movements that look more like a scuttle than a walk.

Don’t worry love, they will walk an uglier path by the time they are done.

And now here you are, expecting nothing,

per usual

you so numb and me so cold,

we go together,

but not for the better.

I’m sorry.

I can’t do this,

and you know

and you don’t know

and you understand

yet you sit there while I scream inside 

and wonder how it got to this point.

Oh my love I’m sorry.

You have to understand.