Old Me and Me Now

I think I am worth a lot

I can say that line over and over again in my head

I am worth a lot

Not just a lot, though

I am worth a hell of a lot

With time, the confidence grows. 

But the first time I said it,

Even though there was a hesitancy to my voice

It made quite the difference

It took a long time for me to learn this

And even longer to implement the process into my life

But I’m pretty sure that’s how growth works

And now I am more willing to try new things without worry

And be unafraid to fail a few times.

But even though I believe this,

The fact that I am worth a lot.

There is a difference between now 

And the point right before I started to type

Because now I can feel the sting

Of thankful teardrops threatening

I feel these happy tears

Because I remember back to a time 

that it was hard to feel this way

When I couldn’t even breathe in a manner to satisfy myself

It’s really clear, that chapter of my life is

and sometimes I can even feel that horrid state of mind

But I guess it’s not that hard to think back to that point in time

I mean, it was only a year ago

But yes, I am worth a lot

I have always been worth a lot

But I haven’t always known this

In fact, I’m certain that the person that I was a year ago

Would find the time and energy to argue with me

With a bravado she thought was confidence

And a head held high and a heavy mind brought low

I could see her now in the same cheap jeans I’m wearing at this moment

The same floral shirt and old-timey glasses

With the large frames so that most of her vision was clear

Old Me would pull out a binder

That read “Scholastic Accomplishments” in bold letters.

It would match the colors of the university I am attending

And she would expect my stomach to drop when I saw it.

Then she’d clear her throat

And flip through the pages of her binder

She’d stop and say, “Aha!” 

Then proceed to ask me questions

“What organizations are you in? 

Which clubs were you able to sit through 

Without feeling the soft thrum of inadequacy? 

You know the one. The one that compounds with time?

Until you give in and surround yourself in solitude?

Think back to that and answer me this:

What would you say you’re worth?”

I would nod in understanding, and

Simply pull out my phone

To show her a few pictures of me with friends and a trophy.

To humor her, I would answer her question.

“This is the Mock Trial team I’m competitive on. 

I’ve stuck with this one, and not only have I met new people,

But I’ve gotten better at speaking and compiling logical arguments.

But even without the friends and trophy

I know that I’m worth a lot.”

Old Me would shake that off easy, 

She would think that she needed stronger artillery

And she would tap her foot as she thought

Until it hit her loud and clear

What flaw she should go after next

She would almost feel bad about what she would say

Because she would figure that it would hit me to the bone

Flipping a few more pages of the binder she would

shove my grades in my face and say

“Look at this. Read those numbers.”

She would then give me time

To let the information soak

And then she’d speak again with gusto

Please remind me, What are you worth?”

And the person I am today would say

“I am worth a lot. 

I remember you and I would avoid our grades

Because of the shame that we would feel”

Then I would pull out my own binder

The exact same colors as hers

And I would show her, as she showed me

My recent semester’s GPA.

Not perfect, but an obvious improvement. 

“Do you notice the development?

You see, this year I changed my mindset

I decided to not be so critical, 

And to participate in things that make me happy.

And better as a person.

But even that doesn’t define me

Either way I’m worth a lot”

Old Me would throw her binder and instead

Would bend at the waist and put a cupped hand to her ear

With a grin she would ask me 

“Can you list even one person that you can express your genuine sorrow to?

You remember the nights you were balled up

Crying soft enough so that your roommate wouldn’t hear

Old Me would cover her sorrow with a laugh

And ask as if maybe I’ve misunderstood

“What are you worth?”

I would look at her and smile

One of those smiles where you know that the person is hurting

And you want to be there for them,

but you know they wouldn’t accept your help even if you offered it.

“I am worth so much, and I wish you knew

With time, I’ve learned that I have had people all along

I know that my family would rather me be happy

And are just as willing to shoulder my pain and anxieties,

 just as I would be for them.

With growth, I have learned to make myself vulnerable

To take conversations past the polite

And guess what?” I’d ask playfully

“I even have some friends.”

Old Me would look taken aback and shake her heavy head.

She’d murmur “What happened to you?”

But she wouldn’t give up just yet

She’d reach into the back pocket of her $6.00 jeans.

She’d pull out a mirror much too large to fit in that pocket and

with a heavy ‘thunk’, she’d set it in front of me in triumph.

“Tell me what you see before you? Remember our routine? 

Name a single favorable feature

We’d always fail at those types of things”

She’d gaze at me with eyes that tried to hide a very small ray of hope

As if speaking to herself

More than she was speaking to me

She would ask again, with a deviation she didn’t even notice

“How much am I worth?”

I wouldn’t have to look in the mirror at all,

Instead I could look dead into the eyes of Old Me

And with compassion I would tell her:

“I see someone absolutely beautiful

And kind and worth love too

I see a lovely and thoughtful face 

But most of all, I see you”

Old Me would listen to my words

And she would struggle to understand

How the person who stood before her

Could grow from how she began

Her mind would open a little

And think ‘maybe… just maybe I have worth too?”

And she would look at me and ask

“How do I become like you?”

I would wrap her in my arms

And I would whisper in her ear

I’d say “You are worth so much. 

Over and over for her to hear

And it’s very important you understand that

You are allowed to love yourself

You have to focus on your happiness

And put that before everything else”

And as the words sunk in

She understood they were strong

And that for so much time

She was thinking of herself all wrong

I would give her time to think 

The insanity of her mind

I’d explain it very slowly

For this part alone would take much time

“For others, you don’t judge them

Humanity is imperfect as a whole

And you’ve applied that to every being 

On this earth except your own”

I would give her time to answer the question

“What makes you hate you so?”

And eventually she would come to the same realization

That I came to a long time ago

It’s an ongoing process, of course

Sometimes growth is everything but fast

It requires a lot of change in thought. 

And results in a self-love that lasts.

I can imagine the exact moment

That she would see the light

And walk in a different direction

To a future, fair and bright

And then I’d do the thing

That’s she done to me all this time

 I’d ask a single question

And hope for an answer just like mine

“How much are you worth? I would ask her

She would respond  with a dramatic bow

“I think I’m worth a lot” She’d say

And Old Me would become Me Now