Older Isn't Always Golder

I used to wish I was older used to run wild oh, how I miss being a child running to my mom's bed after a nightmare so unaware of the future going to day care somebody tell me how to get back there wishes of being a billionaire hugging my teddy bear I feel so miserable can't stop drinking and oh, I've been thinking my heart feels like it is sinking people look at me like a joke all I do is smoke I've tried and tried I hardly go outside I guess this is what happens when you get older it all feels so much colder I'm on my own outgrown everything I used to love news of family dying I wish I was lying I no longer feel like trying want to end it all listening to the rainfall chugging alcohol I used to love volleyball used to be my mom's baby doll getting sent to hospitals I've become so little used to be overweight can't finish my dinner plate I hate my life picking up the knife is there an afterlife? can't stop grabbing my blade I wish you would have stayed my bed stays unmade I'm at my breaking point keep smoking joints doesn't it get to a point? I guess this is what happens when you grow up going through breakups random hookups boys who just want to tap I used to hate rap now it's all I listen to who knew I didn't think this through Slits on my wrist thinking of everything I have missed I've been gone for months now you'll never understand how I feel I'm unable to eat a full meal can't keep it down I wish I could just drown let the water consume me until I can no longer breathe want to die saying goodbye everything that happened last July racing through my mind telling everyone little white lies I'm okay walking around with circles around my eyes I don't remember the last time I prayed I'm so afraid I feel like I ruined my life can't seem to stay sober why did I ever wish to be older?