Once Upon a Time and Happily Ever After

As children, the most common phrases we heard were: “Once upon a time and “Happily ever after”

But as we grew up, those words were heard less and less,

and when it came to finals time in my philosophy class, we had a single question: “Why do you, or do you not, believe in Fairy Tales?” This was my response.

Fairy tales are called fairy tales for a reason. They don’t happen. No matter how many candles you blow out on the cake or how many stars fall from the sky just to make you feel better, it won’t work.

I see the cliche fairy tale magic and romance, the nearly velveeta cheesy pick up lines we all know and love, the pointless chasing after one another and then finally realizing you are each others perfect match. and thanks to Disney, I see that a lot. and I can’t help but want that. They make it look so easy! So I did what any other hormonal teenage boy would do. I gave it a try.

You see, Once upon a time I fell for you.

I tried to write really good poetry for you, just like fairy tales

I listened, just like the fairy tales.

I comforted you just like the fairy tales.

and you left, not like the fairy tales.

I was baffled at your departure..hadn’t I done everything right? I went back through my actions as though love was a checklist of tasks needing to be met. I flipped through my handy dandy “how to get girls guide” which i noticed was written by Pinocchio..the biggest liar of all time…

Anyway, you ran out of my life faster than Captain Hook from the Crocodile. Making absolutely sure by the way, to bring both of your glass slippers on the way out.

You said that your “prince” came in the form of a Bad Boy.

That girls want a bad boy who would be good, and guys should want a good girl who will be bad!

What about the guys like me. The ones who actually care about peoples hearts instead of getting hung!?

Disney, ive got another movie for you “geek gets the girl: the true fairy tale”

Once upon a time I went home stressed beyond belief, I failed that AP bio test, had a paper due in 2 days, an essay to write, and to top it all off I suffered two anxiety attacks in one hour,

and I felt like my blood was about to burst out my veins and the razor blade I haven’t touched in years began to look like the greatest pressure reliever in the world.

Once upon a time, I asked you for help, because I didn’t want to reopen old wounds.

I asked you for help because I can’t talk to my parents

I asked you for help because doctors scare me to pieces

I asked you for help because my “friends” don’t care

I asked you for help because I was scared.

Once upon a time, you ignored me.

Once upon a time, with nobody to turn to, the blade made its journey back home. and my hand beholding the power of god like moses I shouted LET MY PAIN GO!

and I split my skin into a red sea of crimson that flowed down my wrist

in beautiful tree branch patterns. following gravity like leaves in the autumn wind. pooling on the ground like puddles after a spring rain

and all thoughts of you sprinkled out with it.

Once upon a time, I felt pain. I felt..alive..and it felt good.

See pain is like a drug, and with all drugs, its addictive.

I would walk down school halls with my legs shaking, arms twitching, fidgeting more than a crack addict gone cold turkey “just. one. more. time.”

Once upon a time, 1 turned to 3, 3 to 5, 5 to 10

Once upon a time, I counted 47

47 painful reminders that you are still on my mind.

Once upon a time I confided in a friend with how I was feeling.

Once upon a time, he told me to “get over it”

As if with those words I would suddenly transform and the chemical imbalance inside my head would switch and everything would be all right.

that I could go outside and tiny mice would clear my walkway for me like Cinderella, glitter would explode from my hand gestures like Tinkerbell, and birds would flutter about me wherever i went like Snow White. I could see my friend, and I would run towards him in one of those slow motion embraces. and then swiftly punch him in the face because that’s a fairy tale. it’s kinda hard to “get over it” when depression bombs your mind everyday.

Leaving the wreckage burned worse than Hiroshima.

but I try to raise myself from the ashes like a phoenix,

reborn in a fit of excitement and fire.

and use that radiance of flame to hide how I really feel.

contrary to popular belief, sometimes the seemingly happiest of people are the saddest of all. and believe me that everyday is an uphill battle fought at a 90 degree angle to just force myself to smile.

and that’s where acting come in handy

see actors are essentially professional liars, capable of feigning any and every emotion for extended periods of time.

(smiling) like right now, even though I smile, I’m angry with the society that romanticizes pain and mental illness   im disappointed in the parents who don’t care enough about their children to see they’re silently screaming for help! I’m dumbfounded that 15% of all teens self harm,many of whom also turn suicidal. Which, by the way, is 15% too many, and i’m absolutely petrified.

that I am one of them.

Once upon a time, I tried to get over you

Once upon today, I’m still trying

Once upon right now, I count 73 deeply carved reminders of the irreversible damage you’ve caused. Thank you.

Im not thanking you for leading me down a path of pain, but for teaching me a lesson. Love is not like the fairy tales. I can’t wear my heart on my sleeve and expect my fairy godmother to come make the sadness go away. I have to do that. I am my own fairy godmother, my own birthday wish, my own new years resolution, my own falling star.

So to answer your question, do I believe in fairy tales? The answer is no.

because Once upon a time,

I got a Happily Never After.

But that doesn’t mean that the story has to end.

Life is not a single book.

It is a never ending series of love and adventure.

Maybe right now, your story has you taking beating after beating.

But trust me when I say the sun will come.

You will find happiness.

So put down the blade and read a story

Because who knows?

Maybe the next one is the fairy tale you’ve been waiting for.