One

“Hey mom can you….Hey mom what about…..Hey mom”

These were common things in my childhood,

Maternal queries, with answers always safe and warm.

She was there for my first day of school, and will be there for my last.

My dad was always in the picture, just on the outside.

Deployment took the best of him, six months at a time.

I didn’t realize it then, but now I see the difference it has made.

Maybe I’d be a tougher person, more aggressive.

Maybe I’d know how to throw a ball.

Maybe I’d be more confident, able to command a room.

My mom is always there for me, and always will be.

I know my dad will be there now, but it won’t be the same.

I feel awkward around him, not knowing what to say or how to act.

I don’t feel a connection, just empty space.

He tries, and I can tell. But I’m just too stubborn to reach out.

I dread days when it’s just us two. We’re forced to interact.

Awkward small talk is a norm, and I can tell he feels it too.

I think it’s too late to fix it though.

I know that I am lucky, having both parents to support me.

But when it comes down to it, I only feel like I have one.