One Day a Year

Eighteen felt exciting.

I was ready to begin a journey far from home,

To live alone and feel free. 

I was ready to walk on campus

And make my parents proud of their first gen student.

I was naïve to think everything at home would stay the same.

Nineteen felt nostalgic.

Sitting alone in my dorm,

I longed for my mom to be smothering me in kisses.

To have my dad coming in from work,

Singing happy birthday with the biggest smile.

To wipe icing off my face and chase my brothers

After they so lovingly smashed my head into the cake.

I was heartbroken to realize I was too far from home to get more than a call.

Now,

Twenty…

Twenty felt real.

Phone calls were sparse, texts just the same.

My family, of course, called,

But no one else seemed to realize the day.

I tutored six students,

I spoke to three of my coworkers,

I sat in two lecture halls.

And yet not one person knew that I was supposed to be celebrating.

I was supposed to be elated with my first day of being twenty,

With my teenage years officially behind me.

Eighteen felt so far away.

Nineteen felt like a dream.

Twenty felt like an awakening.

Despite these feelings,

I’ve learned that even the most celebrated of days can be lonely.

I’ve learned that it is okay to be naïve, to want things to stay the same.

I’ve learned that it is okay to long for the physical affection love can bring us.

But more importantly,

I’ve learned that even if no one knows the year you are leaving behind,

It is okay to celebrate yourself.

I celebrated twenty alone,

Feeling pessimistic from the moment I awoke.

But I realized something.

This one day a year does not define the rest of my life.

This one day, where I turned twenty, is not frozen in time.

It might have felt too real, because I realized how close I was to finishing school,

But it's not the end of the world. 

I'm still the excited eighteen-year-old,

Ready to adventure and explore opportunities.

I'm still the nostalgic nineteen-year-old,

Wishing that those moments with my family would last forever,

Heartbroken I cannot walk into my parents’ arms whenever I want.

And I'm still living the reality of twenty,

Growing more every day,

Realizing my worth,

Realizing my abilities,

Realizing I am loved, no matter how lonesome that one day a year feels.