The One That Got Away

I fought through every tear and emotion  

I was so desperate to be happy with you,

I had to fake my happiness without you.

Preserving something that so desperately needed to die.

Believing one day in my heart we would be okay

Meanwhile laying in a bed full of lies.

It wasn't about staying with you because I cared

but leaving because you didn't.

I guess it's true when they say the heart wants what it wants.

But why would my heart cry for something that held me hostage?

Hostage to every painful memory that I had mistaken for love.

Every sign that i would so solemnly swear came from heaven above,

knowing the only thing coming from above was a knock right off of my feet

down to the ground.

The ground

where i now lay, not even wanting to get up.

Getting up would mean to try and trying would mean to have hope

and again the hope would mean to try

but who tries where there's no hope?

The worst part was that I loved you

I loved you even when I didn't want to.

I loved you even when it was evident that you didn't love me.

You consumed my every thought and action.

I almost couldn't breath.

I wanted to trust you.

But how could I trust someone who I began to realize I didn't even know?

I didn't know you.

I made you up.

You were a figment of my imagination.

I believed what I wanted

And ignored every sign

Signs you so gracefully and elegantly danced before me.

I came to the realization

you didn't love me

probably never have or will.

Your heart never held the capacity to love a soul like mine.

A soul that was so deeply rooted and invested in the future

The future that I carefully hand carved with the felt tip pen in my head.

I had to let you go.

Even though every fiber in my being just wanted to continue to love you.

I could no longer battle with loving myself

and loving the devil clothed in beautiful sheep clothing.

I was so sure i deserved you

I never took the time to realize it was you

You who didn’t deserve me

It hurt to be the person giving so much

And getting so little back

I began to feel sorry.

Sorry for loving you the "wrong way"

not enough

maybe even too late.

But I had to stop feeling bad for something that made me better.

                     Yours truly,

                      The girl you should have loved sooner,

                                        DeAnna