To the One I Killed

I met you in my childhood

When we were naive

And innocence was high,

You were just like me –

Quiet and poised

Yet constantly there,

I had no need to question you

No red flags, so no cares –

As I grew you stayed

But I was taught to stay away

From you, and all you were –

I liked you but expectations had to be met

So I whispered goodbye

And chose to walk alone –

Years went by and the memories faded

But you popped up again

And this time you refused to leave

So I hid you in my closet

Out of fear and curiosity,

But we mingled too often

Which got me in trouble

So again I had to say goodbye

But you had implanted yourself into my life

So I locked the closet door

And threw away the key

So that no one, not even you, could tempt me –

Years went by and you sat in silence

Until you had enough

And began banging on the closet door,

Demanding to be let out –

Please don’t do this, I begged,

They won’t like you, I said,

It’s either us or them, you screamed,

I know how you feel about me –

So I felt as though I had no choice

As I lifted the knife

Just as you broke through

Running to me as you always do,

Right through the ribs and into the heart –

I wept as I held your cold remains

I knew that nothing would ever be the same

No one knew what I did

And that’s how it stayed –

I still look for you in my smiles

That fade more each day,

I still look for you in my closet

Which now stays open,

I still look for you in my clothes

That you put together in such a special way –

But you’re not coming back

I know this,

So full of fear I acted foolish –

You – dearest friend – were a part of my being

I killed a part of myself that day

And I’m so sorry.