One More Time

Let me try one more time. I am not afraid to say goodbye. I am not scared to say fuck you to the people who said they gave a damn. If you gave a damn then why do I feel this way? Why not notice how much I was dying inside. I failed the first time but I will not make the same mistake of trusting just a razor blade. It only rose suspicion, that can not happen again. So I will say goodbye to all of my hopes and dreams that are just a fleeting thought. I wasn't supposed to go places. I wasn't supposed to make it to med school. I wasn't supposed to become something that I no longer believe in. So I will say goodbye to my friends and family. I will say goodbye to all the people that had faith in me. Unjustified faith. They shouldn't of put that much faith in a fuck up. Yeah, I know the holidays are here but I no longer care. I no longer care that this is the way I feel and no one is seeing it. We are supposed to be thankful for what we have. All I am thankful is a razor blade that saves me from my feelings. I am never good in big crowds so I am easy to disappear into the nothing anyway so why not try again to do the exact same thing only in a different way. I have to have faith in not failing. God, why do I feel this way? I shouldn't be feeling this low. The whole entire cutting this is the only way I am staying alive. How don't you see that? So let me try one more time. Let me die. That's all I want. I am no good here on earth. There is no hope, no butterflies, no rainbows, and definitely no silver lining in the darkened sky I like to call my mind. I am ready to say goodbye to this damnable hell I am in. I just had to let someone in, what a stupid decision. So let me try one more time. Damn the holidays. Gatta have a little faith. Gatta have a little faith. My mantra is strong so forth I will be strong enough to do this. And if I wake up tomorrow, then I wake up. If I don't fuck you world, I am out.