The One You'll Never Know

To the father who was never there:

I'm not going to beg for your attention

And I'm not going to beg you to want me

I shouldn't have to do either of those things

You should want me to have them.

Because that's what fathers want

They want for their daughters to be happy

They want them to feel loved

And to feel like they're wanted.

But you've never been a father

At least not when it came to me

All I ever got were fake attempts

And artificial compassion.

You never once legitimately tried

You pretended to care and disappeared

That is if you even bothered to appear

But artiface has always been your strength.

And I wonder what it's like to live how you do

What it's like to raise a child only to abandon them

What it's like to have a daughter you'll never know

What it's like to put a bottle before your children.

It took fifteen years for me to know about you

And it will probably take at least that to get over it

But then again maybe that will never happen

Some people can't just get over things like that.

Maybe I won't ever get over the pain from you

The abandonment, commitment, and trust issues

The constant feeling that I'm not good enough

How could I be; my own father doesn't want me.

How could I ever be good enough for anyone

Your parents should love you more than anyone

But my very own father doesn't love me

Therefore how could anyone else?

And it hurts to know that I can't do anything

I can't make you want to have me in your life

Despite how hard I tried for so long

But it was no use because you never cared.

And as I lay in my bed crying hysterically

I'm finally starting to realize what I need to know

I shouldn't be questioning why you don't want me

I should be questioning why I want you.

                    - Sincerely,

                      The one you will never know