Only In My Mind

When I am alone, I can do all things.

I can soar into realms unseen,

Feel hands caress my own.

You wouldn’t think this when you look at me.

My crooked eyes,

Lopsided cheeks.

Behind my skin my mind and soul writhe.

But in my heart,

I feel utterly forgotten.

By them.

By myself.

Yet every day, I stand and walk.

With others, but alone.

Smiling, to myself.

Every thought, every image, every feeling, is so amplified.

I have to scream it.

And people hear me,

But they do not listen!

I don’t hear myself sometimes.

I ramble.

I dance when I’m alone.

I surround myself with noise,

Beautiful noise that makes me feel all the more alone.

In those brief moments of pride and vanity I sing to myself,

My reflection…

I cry sometimes.

I laugh a lot.

An ugly laugh. I hope they don’t mind.

And as much as I look at their lives, what they do, what they say,

I see everything and nothing.

I am jealous of them.

Of their beauty.

Of their talents.

Of their relationships, friend or lover.

People don’t see me that way.

As anyone deeper than a scream and a fake smile.

But if just one looked close enough…

No.

I am cliché.

A romantic.

I live in fantasy worlds where I understand everyone.

Everything.

I reach for the world.

I speak with the angels.

I laugh at the Devil.

I am a dreamer.

I would rather be there than here.

I would rather be here than there.

Yet in between, where I want to be,

Is even more lonely.

I have my God, yes, that’s true.

But it doesn’t always stop the aching.

The sadness and boredom.

So I lay in the dark,

And let my mind wander.

I create.

I destroy.

I kill.

I give purpose and meaning to people who don’t exist.

Maybe I’m crazy.

Maybe I’m imaginative.

Inspired.

An idealist.

Outgoing, yes!

To let people see me, for only an instant!

A spark in their eyes!

I give them something to look at.

But then they will forget me.

They always do…

I know I sound pretentious.

I sound utterly fake.

I sound vain.

Selfish.

Anything they can think of.

But I’d rather be a dragon.

I would rather be a queen,

Disguising herself as a peasant to find true love.

Yet I know that there is no escape from this

World of reality.

What I dream floats happily and unaware in my head,

And deflates with their scornful glances.

Too loud.

Too boisterous.

Annoying.

A pest.

Why can’t they understand that I’m just afraid of silence?

Afraid of rejection?

A klutz, who never had many friends?

Who ate all by herself with her teacher in middle school?

Who shared her dreams with a mother,

Who wouldn’t understand either…

A flinch.

A startle.

A glance,

And a horrible, horrible ache deep inside.

A fear of loneliness.

They say that it’s only in my mind.

And they're right!

It is in my mind!

In my soul, too!

In my heart!

So my pulse will race alone with the beat.

I will grow four legs and run with wild horses.

Watch the moon follow me through my car window.

Fear tomorrow.

Fear today.

But always love what’s inside of me.

And then…

Then maybe they’ll feel the same.

Is this what I need?

To be understood?

Loved?

Yes!

But not by them.

By myself.

By my mind.

By my God.

But then again, I could be wrong…

I could just be imagining things.

Maybe soon,

I’ll wake up on a Saturday afternoon.

And realize that all of this…

Was only in my mind.