Open Doors

How am I supposed to accept myself
When I regret myself
When I spend every second picking apart every piece of myself
When people watch me as I destroy myself
It's easy to hide behind closed doors
Convincing yourself that the steel walls have windows
It's like digging through concrete with my nails
I don't want to admit that it's true
And I sure as hell don't want you to know too
But it keeps me up at 3 a.m.
And I wonder why this matters so much more
Than the other secrets I've buried before
For years I hid cuts underneath lies and cloth
I faked laughs and didn't care when pretend happiness was bought
So why do I care so much about this
It isn't a secret that I should have a problem with
In fact I'm such a fucking hypocrite
Telling others that their same secret is not something they should quit
That they should accept themselves with loving arms
So why do I cry every time they look at me wrong
It's a balancing act
Standing on a tightrope that wants to send you flying down flat on your back
And my brain won't be in tact
If I keep up this balancing act
When they get it out of me through pushing me beyond belief
Through reading closely into my words
Through calling out the lies that they believed so easily before
But I still can't bare to say it out loud
For fear that if I hear it coming from my own mouth
I won't be able to deny it anymore
And I've started to see that the truth hurts more
I'm not afraid of the world accepting me
I'm afraid of living with me
I'm afraid of having another reason to hate myself
Cuts fade into scars
But secrets make a mess when they're let out
And they're not something you can hide behind concealer
They won't heal if left alone for a week or forgotten if I avoid looking in the mirror
Secrets follow you through empty shadows in your life
And I'm afraid that once my secret gets out
I'll lose myself in the secret corners of my life
But it seemed okay when you held me tight
For a second I almost believed I'd be alright
You smiled at me and I thought that I was ready
But you let go
And the tightrope sent me to the floor
I just want to accept myself
Before I kill myself
With the secrets I never could say out loud
And I wonder if it would hurt so much if I whispered it when no one was around
A quiet plea to the world
If I accept myself
How will I ever live in my boxed off world with steel walls
With painted on windows that let in no light at all
How will I convince myself that I'm really all alone
When the walls come down and people rush to build me a new home
One with real windows and even a door
Maybe I'm not afraid to accept myself
Maybe I'm just afraid of open doors