An Open Letter

It occurred when I was 15 and 18

However, I still feel terrible when the memories resurfaced

I guess it will happen from time to time -- when it does?

and I guess, I'm ok with it or -- am I?

the preceding decade of my life had been incredible

they said that every childhood was unique

there are no typical childhood or adulthood

nothing is perfect and no one is perfect -- or maybe not?

during those times,

their responses never changed (his family & mine),

they've never reproved me nor loathed me

everyone was sympathetic and empathetic towards me

everyone made sure I was alright and supported

no one showed despises or shames

mostly they blamed themselves for what they should've known

they felt that they have failed to protect me

tears were shed, repentance made with heartfelt apologies

and he was gone for a long while -- then one day he returned

A few nights ago, a clip played like a movie in my sleep

I woke up and wasn't even sure if it was tangible

for the past few years, I've never contemplated it

never even had a recollection of it ever occurring

wasn't sure if any of it was factual

initially, I thought that it was -- silly

because how can something of this gravity ever be obliterated?

how can't I recall the crucial parts of it?

how did I manage to experience a life of normalcy?

I'm dubious of what triggered me

after a decade and a half, why just now?

I even asked my mum if any of it was genuine

there was uncertainty in her voice,

she couldn't also recollect a significant part of it

today more of the missing pieces came to me

I wasn't even that keen of wanting to recollect every bit of it

nonetheless, I did

I felt more perplexed than enraged

more indecisive than sad

because growing up, I was still surrounded by the same people

same hometown, church, beliefs, and friends

like nothing ever happened, nothing has changed

-- yet something did 

today, I tried to find some answers,

it made it more confusing than enlightening

I found out that, despite everything,

we managed to talk like nothing happened

-- not just once but numerous times

I've read our conversations, me sounding fine?

no words of distaste, outrage, nor affliction 

we've also managed to rekindle a friendship with his family

furthermore, when I saw his photo on social media

I felt nothing, despite -- the gravity of what he did

I was baffled, in awe?

is it because I've chosen forgiveness over hate?

I believe I've chosen it a long time ago or -- did I?

All I'm certain of is -- what happened can never be undone

can never be altered,

what done is done!

I can only control what comes after it

I can choose forgiveness and move on

maybe, this letter is my way of letting go?

right now I'm not sure of anything

but I know I have to keep moving forwards -- not backward