An open letter

So this is my second attempt at completing a letter to you. Maybe it’s because I’m scared of messing up or saying things in a way you won’t understand. But I guess I’ll just keep on trying.

I’m pushy and I can’t handle not controlling a situation because it scares me. I’m stubborn and won’t ever let you win an argument, even when I’m wrong. I like my space but I don’t want too much of it. I hate not doing anything. I always have to be doing something or else I go insane with thoughts and emotions that constantly plague my every move. I like to think that I’m strong and independent, despite always second guessing myself. I’m impulsive and at times I change my mind too much but it’s only because I’m worried of really speaking my mind. I hold onto grudges and I get petty at times but I also don’t do anything without a purpose. But I know there are good parts to me too. There’s the way I try to put beauty into this chaotic world where nothing should seem beautiful. Or the way my writing can change the perspective of people if they are open enough to the idea. I’m determined and crazy and a dreamer that keeps on trying to hold on to this sliver of hope in this rough and destructive world. Hope for what, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll never know. But I keep on holding onto that hope for many reasons. And one of them happens to be you.

You. You are confident and yet insecure in the most vulnerable way. But you’re the optimist out of the both of us so that makes you the stronger one. Maybe that’s what drew me to you in the first place. You wore your heart on your sleeve and your emotions seemed to splay out into your words. Yet, no one else noticed it or even bothered to look further into your mind. But I seemed to just know, and that’s when I finally saw you. The real you, not just the one you let everyone think you were. Full of life, hopeful, maybe a little to optimistic. And not regretting anything, because you knew that everything in your past has shaped you into the person you became. And= you’re patient, even if you say you aren’t. Because  everything you thought was wrong with you were everything that I knew you were the one.

Love. Love is a funny word. It’s supposed to mean so many things, but its meaning is different for everyone. But for me, it was the warm cookie smell that always lingered in the kitchen even after the cookies were gone. I don’t know why it was that for me. It just always was that. Many people describe it as the feeling of not being able to live without a person. But truth be told, I can live just fine without anyone. But no, I wouldn’t want to live without those people Iove. You can’t control who you love. But you can control whether they stay in your life or not. I’ve let people go who have loved me, because I didn’t love them. At that time I thought that maybe I was scared, maybe I was not ready, maybe I was too broken.

Now, I know that it was okay to not love someone back, because you can’t help who you love. And that I wasn’t broken. I’m not some missing piece of a puzzle, completing someone else, and I certainly don’t need anyone to complete me. I’m whole, maybe with a few rough edges, but that doesn’t make me broken. And so slowly, I’m starting to learn to accept myself for who I am, flaws and all.

But that doesn’t mean that this isn’t going to be hard for us to do. I’m a lot to handle, trust me, sometimes I can’t even handle myself. Because whenever another girl passes by and you glance up, I will immediately be scared of losing you, no matter if we never see that girl again. I will argue with myself countless times a day on whether you actually love me or not, simply because I had trusted  someone once and later found out that boys can lie, and they can lie very well, and that girls who love them will believe them, cling onto any lie, any excuse to not have to let go. And I, I can imagine worst case scenarios even if I’m asleep, and it will torment and plague my every thought until I have convinced myself that you don’t love me. I have extreme mood swings, and maybe you already know that. Those days where I don’t want to talk or even be around anyone. Please know that it will pass. I’ll come to you when I’m ready as long as you let me know you won’t let me go through it alone. I’m hard to understand and even harder to read. I am not an open book. And don’t ever try to read me like one.I close off very easily, I’ve had plenty of practice doing that.

Lastly, don’t let me fall in love with you if you are planning on leaving. Writers you see...they are the hardest to love. And yet they give their all. You may not see it all the time, because as a writer, I would much rather write my emotions and feelings than actually say them out loud. I could spent hours upon hours thinking up of different ways to say I love you and still not be able to say it because it will not be enough to describe what I feel. And with you, all I can do is write. And if that wasn’t enough to drive me insane it seemed that with every passing day I memorized you even more, trying to remember every detail as best as i could. So that’s why, don’t let me fall in love with you to the point of no return,. Because once you’re gone, I won’t be able to stop loving you.