An Open Letter To My Abuser

You.. You were so beautiful.. You were so beautiful, but not like your attractiveness,I was attracted to you for you gave off the feeling of home.. Safety.. Love.. The feeling I needed. You were so beautiful and so large.. But not like you were 6' tall, which you were, but you were so much larger than life. Larger than my life. You were huge.   You were so beautiful, large, and simply pure.. Not like you weren't always in trouble, because you were, but you were so compassionate, you had so much good in you that you couldn't figure out how to use.  So how could someone so beautiful and large and pure not be worth your time?Oh lord, you were. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED you.You were my whole life and I couldn't look at anyone as loving as you.. You were the only thing..the best thing.. I miss you.You were the love of my life.  I talk about you as if you're gone.. Dead.. Lost......Perhaps you are lost in a sense. You are not who I thought you to be. Maybe I'm the one who is lost. You are still breathing, but you have no reason to be.  I was the earth... Calm and serene.. Looking for only love and no destruction .. And you were man kind.You tried to fix me and help me when I didn't need it. I was fine. You tried your very best to protect me and keep me safe, but you only destroyed me. Slowly, blindly.  I want to see my friends. I see them all the time. I see them at school, I know they're the same friends I love. I don't have the guts to even speak to them.  I was held captive for months, I wasn't allowed to speak.I wanted to be happy, you were "making me happy",But when you're stripped off your personality and left only bare tears and bones,My friends weren't my friends anymore. You were my friends.  I want to visit my family. I know where they are, I know they love me.I was removed.. Take my last name and every blood connection I have to anyone, it doesn't matter. It used to. When I'm trying to make you love me, it gets obsessive.You were my family.  You were so wonderful and caring..You are gone..All that remains is my abuser. The man who scraped me clean inside and left my bare cold soul. You brought me to my knees and let me feel no power over my emotions. You wrecked what I was building. You went from my boyfriend, to my fear.  When I look at you now, I don't get sad. Because you're a changed man, for the worse. You're not the man I loved. I don't believe you always had it in you, you have changed and I will not change for you.  It's time to start rebuilding. If you're scared, you're not okay.

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