An Open-Letter to my Long-Lost Best Friend

My Dearest Sarah,

Words and words and more words.

I have sent what seems to be a

thousand letters to you on the wings of angels.

In church they tell me to only pray to God,

however I find myself praying to you more often than not.

But what am I to do when my heart aches for

my best friend and she is trapped in the clouds?

My heart has grown old beating for you, pining for your voice.

My mind has grown weak waiting for a sign and

searching for you in the rainbows and butterflies.

As chemotherapy dripped through your veins,

I couldn't  help but let a tear roll down my check from time to time.

Squished next to you in that hospital bed,

I held your hand as they abducted vial after vial of your blood and

I listened as your family cried when the doctors

announced that your disease had spread.

The poison administered to your blood was enough for the both of us.

We were both so young, just twelve at the time,

but I grew old with you.

What ever happened to us anyways?

I would wear bandanas with you down the hospital corridors.

This way, we were both bald and they wouldn't stare at you.

Once we returned to the room, we would take off the head covers and

replace them with temporary tattoos of roses or puppies.

You on your head, I on my cheek.

Despite the youth of our minds,

we were deteriorating from the inside.

You, from cancer, and I, from a broken heart.

While your bones were eaten away,

mine were weakened at the thought of yours.

But the point of this letter is not to reaffirm

the tragedy of our short time together.

It is simply to reaffirm the thankfulness I have for you.

Because what a beautiful tragedy this truly was.

We possessed the friendship of the century.

And the fact that you would choose even a minute of

your precious life with me is enough to make every ounce of pain worth it.

Because the memories and laughter outnumbers the pain,

there is no competition there.

Because I am thankful that you didn’t

allow me to take what I had for granted.

You showed me that a life can alter

in a matter of seconds, or a matter of years.

You were my soothing voice and you held my hand as I cried for you.

Yes, I cried for you.

You were just given the news that death

was going to be 74 years and two months early.

You were given your death sentence.

You chose your last meal.

And you held me as I mourned the loss of the friend

that was still right beside me.

And I will forever be indescribably grateful for your selflessness.

Sarah, you are beautiful.

Your face is so warm and full of love for everyone you meet.

You radiate cheerfulness and the

definition of life features a picture of you underneath of it.

And I am so honored to have known a person such as you so well.

Yet the loss of you was unbearable.

I can still remember the day,

the one day I had not called you or visited you in the past year.

That was the day.

The brave faces we put on when others are around,

the fake smiles and the eyes full of tears

due to it being ‘allergy season,’

I have walked around with this face on for many years now.

The day the never-ending smile

took over my face haunts me both in my dreams and in my wakefulness.

The day I lost you I shed no tears.

I was told to be strong for your family.

They were heartbroken and we couldn't cry,

as we would only upset them more.

And the smile took over.

It leaves only at night as I wash it off my face

with my makeup and watch the muddled mess of

black, beige, and sadness wash down the drain.

I hide in my room during the night shaking with the pain

that has been trapped within me for the past five years.

Because I miss you so much, but I cannot show it.

Yet I am grateful for this sadness,

because it originated from you.

It’s a beautiful sadness,

a rose-and-puppy-dog tattooed sadness

and I am in a love affair with it.

Because it’s you and it reminds me that we happened.

We were best friends, we are best friends,

and you were real and all of our memories

are not simply figments of my imagination.

I will live with this never-ending smile

and I will wear it proudly, because it is yours.

I can carry the burden now, let me.

I’ve sent you thousands of letters before.

You probably knew the contents of this one here

before you opened it because

they all send you the same message.

I miss you.

I am thankful for you.

I am proud to have known you.

And I will carry on the legacy you have left behind.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

and I can see you shining even through the clouds.

I love you more than all of the dream catchers and

butterflies in the world.

You are my butterfly.

Talk to you soon,

Emily