Open Letter to You

Dear the boy I call “friend,”

 

Okay what's going on? 

 

I mean, no that’s what I mean; what's going on? You asked for some space, so I'm trying to give it to you, but I don't know what you're wanting. 

My attempt to be mad at you is only to mask the truth: I miss you. I miss talking to you and laughing with you. I miss the sound of your voice and the way you looked at me. But most of all, I miss knowing someone was there. No matter what, I knew I could count on you to care. To listen to what I had to say. To have someone in my corner no matter what I was facing. Now though, I don't know.

 

You know I used to trust you completely. You were the first person I have let in at school in a long time. I'm really sorry that changed. It changed when you kissed her. When I had to let go. Because the truth is you may not have known that something was still there. She may not have known. But you guys were the only ones who didn't. You say that you don't like her and that you're not gonna end up with her, but that's what seems to happen every time. I don't know if I can believe you anymore. Not when what you say doesn't reflect what you do. Because words are loud. They scream at the top of their lungs. But actions, they whisper the quiet truth. And the truth, it isn't always what we want. 

This is all word vomit but it needs to be said. You deserve better than someone who treats you like she does. Better than someone who treats you like I have. You are not expendable.

 

 God has put people in our lives to teach us things. You have taught me that people are not all bad. That every person has something to teach you no matter their walk of life. You have shown me qualities I want in my husband; a man who looks at me and listens like I have something important to say, even if I'm talking about nothing; a man who can make me laugh; a man that values the people in my life; someone I can talk to about anything; someone that will laugh with my friends and hold me tight, but not hold me back; someone who constantly challenges me but doesn't make me feel like a failure. I can't begin to thank you for the things you've taught me, and if you were in my life only for the amount of time it took to teach me those things, I've got to learn to live with that. And I can. Not because I don't want you in my life, but because the good you've brought me. 

 

That being said, I have to admit, I've never felt more lonely than I do now. I never noticed I was walking to class alone until it wasn't with you. I have never felt as alone as I do when I'm surrounded by people all having their own conversations including you talking to her. I've never noticed how alone I feel without you. 

 

Not actually yours, 

Rhema