The Orbit

2 months ago

We fell asleep talking to each other

And today

I don’t even know how to say hello to you.

I’d watch your eyelids flutter as my bedsheets called your name and my lungs screamed repentance 

I knew what I was getting myself into 

Did you?

For a while we pretended that we never had to end it

Saved up all that damn money just so I could watch you spend it

You make me fragile

I thought I’d be broken without you 

But I’d watch another piece of me fall to the ground every time I heard “I love you”

I felt so lost and confused 

But you were the only thing I knew for sure

But at this point, I’m pretty sure we know who loved who more

I can’t stop listening to all the songs you wrote for me

Every ballad carved out of stone

Now you’ll get to sing that to your friends 

And tell them about that time you met a girl and left her all alone 

And she never knew why 

She never knew why he’d tell her how he couldn’t live without her

And not utter a single word to her the next day

I stupidly opened my doors for you

But now I’m so afraid

I shut them and locked them this time

Who knows how long the lock will last 

But you’re too far away in the future to ever return 

It’s like the only place I can find you is my past 

All those memories we made

All the stars we saw in each other’s eyes

I would worship you like a constellation 

Ignoring the black hole behind your shining light 

You made me feel like we were the only ones living in the present 

Like the rest of world was history and we were making history by existing together

But little did I know 

That I would fall back into your stack of mistakes as you raced towards a future far too complicated for you

How long before I’m just a memory?

How long until you find another moon

And forget about the stars we created

They all burnt out too soon 

And I may not be crying now,

But trust me, I’m crying in my dreams

Because my mind creates a picture of you 

Kissing girls who are not me

I want to scream

I want to throw away all the dreams we had wished for 

So that I don’t have to ignore the fact that I’m still so deeply in love with you 

So that I don’t have to scroll through your Instagram and wonder if you ever stop and think, “man, I miss her too”

I am so sick of loving you 

I am not a swing 

You can’t push me away and expect me to come back 

I gave you all my devotion

But you went ahead and fucked with my emotions like that 

I couldn’t put out the flame before it had burned me

I’m not some package you can stick a stamp on so you can return me

My love for you has no returns

If I love you, I love you 

I will go through hell and back just to make your skies blue 

I will fight for you 

And all I ever asked is that you fight for me too

But you couldn’t figure out what you wanted so you ran away 

You left me here with my thoughts, wondering where I went wrong 

But I did nothing 

You acted like you knew this was right but you hid the fact that everything in your life was wrong 

You were walking down the beaten path,

Dragging me along 

I should have known 

If you couldn’t keep your shit together 

How the fuck could you keep me

I wanted to stay 

I wanted to take all your pain away

Even if the distance haunted you at night

It sure as hell didn’t keep me away

I kept on coming back 

Because I was scared of what my life would be like without you 

I even bought you this ring

This fucking promise ring

That I never even had the chance to give you.

I spent 40 dollars on something that I know couldn’t keep a promise if it tried 

I’d give you the world, my all, my truth

My everything, but you lied

You lied!

Sure, it would have been cool to see snow, but you prefer the warm weather 

Now I fall to the ground like a rock

While you’re floating like a feather

How are you doing so fine without me?!

Do you expect me to wait here for you like the idiot I am until you get bored and go back to the girl who couldn’t stop screaming your name

All I wanted to do was see you 

And kiss you 

And love you 

And touch you 

And have you 

But you let that go to waste and

I hate you 

I hate you! 

But you know I don’t mean that

Because how could I ever hate the only boy who ever made me feel loved?

I still listen to your music from time to time 

Thinking about what was going through your mind when you wrote those words

Wondering how they would sound if you never met me 

How your mouth would move when you sing them to me 

But now I’ve lost you again 

Lost you to the orbit 

And I’ll watch you grow from far away 

But I don’t think I’ll find you this time.

So goodbye 

My almost lover 

I hope you find everything I couldn’t give you

I will remain among the stars 

Looking down 

Waiting for my light to shine through 

But this time,

When I do finally shine,

It won’t be because of you.