Outside the Looking Glass

It's hard for me to see myself.

I look at

what I have done

what I am doing

what I will do next

And see what I always tell people.

Oh, I made all A's

I'm in the process of studying for a big test

I will go to college

These statements seem to define me.

But I feel like so much more.

What have I done?

What am I doing?

What will I do next?

I joined a roller derby team and help out the kids that can't skate as well,

I am attempting to create a word that rhymes with orange that can go in the dictionary,

Who knows? I know it's going to be something great, something crazy, that no one will believe.

Those things don't seem to matter to the world.

It's about being academically successful It's about exceeding the standards It's about lifetime achievement

What if I don't care about academic success?

I only want to do what makes me feel fulfilled,

And it may not be what you have thrust upon me.

People tell me, You're smart You should do something smart Go into the sciences or math or something You're too smart for anything else.

But I want to dabble in everything and see what makes me happy,

Spend my time in as many different fields as possible and find what gives me passion,

Explore my dreams, and make new ones, and share what I have found.

What if your standards don't apply to me?

I don't want to be defined by your measures of my worth,

Because I am not just a file, not just a face, not just a number, not just another human being.

I am a personality, a mind, a dreamer, a friend.

I may be normal but I am not the norm-- no one is,

And you try to hold me back, keep my focus on your requirements, force me to submit and worship your god of answers,

Even when I am bursting with questions that will not be answered by the tests you put me through.

What if I never have a lifetime achievement? 

If I only do little things, things that make life more livable, I will be content,

Without all the boxes or bows or bags,

I can only live each day with the hope of a new experience,

And if I stumble on a discovery,

Well then, I suppose you may have it to analyze and examine, to put  under the looking glass and tear it apart until you are satisfied with the results,

But I will always treasure the knowledge that I did something, or perhaps many things, however small.

Perhaps I am a hypocrite, because I am a part of you,

You have trained me to do what you do

And I will say what you have taught me to say, what you taught me matters,

a's

test

college.

You are the filter.

You make my vision hazy and my world unclear,

And I find it hard to see myself.