Dear Abuse,

I heard it

I heard it even with the blood rushing to my head

The anger 

The Abuse

The tears 

They were bursting their way through the front door

Stumbling through like the other time 

And the other time 

And the other time

It looks at me straight in the eyes

Then it begins 

 

First it's the anger

Then the abuse follows loudly behind

It feels sorry for my friends for have me in their life

It says I can't talk right 

That no one can understand me 

It continues yelling out 

You're sloppy 

Do more with your life 

Your lazy 

Your rude 

You have no respect for others 

You have no life 

It just keeps yelling 

And yelling 

 

It gets louder with each yell

Making a list

A list of the things I can't do right

A list of what's wrong with me

A list of all my insecurities 

The only list my heart happens to listen to

It continues yelling 

Adding things to this list 

Saying I'm wrong 

Beating me down 

With more insecurities 

Beating me down 

With its words 

 

It's claws at me 

The need to be me 

The need to be let free

But I ignore the need 

And listen to the abuse 

 

While I sit there with a straight face 

Trying to look strong 

Keeping my head up

While Listening to it list off all my downfalls 

When really deep inside my heart is slowly breaking 

But it can't know that 

Once it knows that I'm weak 

It will yell more 

It will laugh and call me weak 

It will continuously abuse me about it for the rest of my life

So I stay there holding the tears back 

Staring at the ABUSE

The anger 

It doesn't give me an option 

I'm not allowed to defend myself 

Once I start opening my mouth 

It yells louder

Angrier 

So I bite my tongue 

And listen 

 

Listen to it put me down over and over again

It says I can't be here no more 

Not if I don't do my part 

That I need to pay for my place here

More than I do now 

I need to pay for the alcohol running through its veins 

For the blow going through its nose

 

I sit here 

Waiting

Waiting for it to stop 

Waiting for it to go away 

Waiting to be rescued from all this pain

The yelling is gone 

The stomps are fading away 

The ABUSE has finally left 

Left with nothing in its place 

Nothing but the scars and the pain

Scars that will always remain

 

It had left me sitting there all alone again

Alone to hear nothing 

Not even the beating of the thing that makes me breathe

It's gone

My heart isn't where it used to be 

It's alone in a place full of nothing but pain

Pain of being alone 

Pain from the words the ABUSE always say

I keep saying to myself 

I'm used to it 

I've always been alone 

But when really I'm not 

I'm not used to it 

 I get so lonely it makes me sad

So sad that I can hear my heart break 

I hate being alone

But I've always been alone 

Im completely alone 

And I still can't be me

 

The moment the Abuse leaves 

That's when I stop 

I stop holding it in 

I had finally let go 

Let go of all the pain

Let go of the words the ABUSE has reigned down on me 

But I know now they will always stay

Scarred in my heart 

Burned in my memory will always be the words you say

 

I felt the first tear fall down my cheek

Then there was a second and third 

They just kept coming 

Then the sobbing began 

And the blaming had began 

The blaming of myself

For not being good enough

For being me 

For not being the person it wants me to be 

I had just blamed me 

I had blamed everything on me 

I'm the one that has caused this pain

 

I had let go of the pain I was holding

It had come to the surface 

And has let itself free

I had locked myself away 

Away from the Abuse

Where it won't see me cry 

Where it won't see my tears

Where it won't see me being me 

Weak 

I hide for days 

Days of me crying out 

In pain 

In weakness 

 

The Abuse has caused this 

Caused all this pain 

Caused all this weakness

Caused me to hide away 

Hide away from the fear 

The fear of being me 

The Abuse has caused this 

Caused these tears 

Caused the dehydration going through my body 

It's shutting down 

I can no longer see

Or smell

Or breathe 

Proof that I had let myself be me 

Weak

 

I had finally revealed myself 

Revealed myself to the one thing that keeps me from being me 

With no more tears 

With nothing but pain

Pain in the place where my heart used to be 

 

The ABUSE has disappeared 

Gone was the ABUSE that had tortured me for days 

For days I was beaten down 

For days I had become less than my true self

In its place was a smiling face 

Asking me about my day 

No apology 

No talking about it 

Nothing to help take away this pain 

The ABUSE has crawled back under the surface 

Hiding away until it's next attack

Leaving me with nothing but pain 

But weakness 

Nothing but insecurities in its place 

 

So here I am 

Sitting here 

Waiting 

Waiting for the day the ABUSE appears once more

Waiting for the day I can finally be me

Waiting for the day the ABUSE comes no more 

Waiting for the darkness to finally go away

Sincerly, the person i used to be