The Pain of Silence

The Pain of Silence

By: Sophia Ojiako

I´ve gone through loss and heartache

I´ve gone through the pain that I didn't care to explain to anyone

However, I regret my silence toward society

Cause it didn't fix anything

The silence wasn´t my friend

It’s merely deceiving me

With the promise of normality

It's the reason why I'm stuck with this diagnosis

I reached my limit, that's why I did it

Things got hard, that’s always the excuse. I couldn't take it anymore

No one understands me

Everyone goes through similar things, but no one openly expresses them to others

They act as if everything is fine so no one will question their sanity

Stay normal while keeping your abnormalities hidden in a cold, dark casket known as your heart

This is my everyday life.

As I strive for guidance, I am left with acceptance from my emotions, making no effort to prosper

There is a constant battle as I struggle to find a suitable solution

My depression is something I can't control, it holds me captive as it’s  prisoner for the rest of my days

I negotiate with my innermost self

It tells me the only way to escape this dark cage I've trapped myself in is to break free

But, how can I break free when I'm afraid of leaving?

Some days are worse than others

As I walk by, my lips curve slowly into a practiced expression 

I´m not even sure I understand the meaning to it anymore, for I feel nothing. 

My tears are dry, my laugh is empty and punctured with choking as I deceive myself and all others around

My head pounds with the constant worry that I may never be saved

That my soul may never be cleansed of this sickness you like to call depression,

When you give it a name, it seems more powerful than ever

A diagnosis that stays with you for as long as you live

With the side effects of paranoia, loneliness, and hopelessness.

You may feel hopeless.  

As you struggle to keep yourself together, 

sadness is a burden your carry on your bare back

It follows you everywhere,

Some may treat depression as a disease,

And like any disease, it can take lives  

At this point, love isn't an option - it's a necessity

It’s the one thing that keeps you running, like fuel for your robot-like personality

It quenches your thirst, offering something you could never give yourself: 

Hope

friendships are like a distraction from my constant loneliness

I share with others the love I could never give to myself

But, if it’s true that I can’t love others until I learn to love myself 

then I guess I can’t love anybody

I´ve been given the wrong medication for far too long

Razors and blades were my escape

The sadness fades from me

 My mind is transported to paradise

Not a cloud in sight

Then all my fears come rushing towards me,

I feel weak

At this point, I'm tired of waiting to be rescued

I've endured this pain for too long

I want out, I want out.

My lungs scream and shout with every slash I've added

 to this bloody collage that I've made on my bare skin,

After all, there is happiness after the pain

But only for a second.

Tears flow  down my eyes,

The recent scars catch me by surprise,

Cuts and bruises all seem useless to my satisfaction

What did I ever do to deserve this punishment,

I gaze at the light for too long,

Realization strikes me suddenly,

I can’t hide forever,

I need to let go of my fears,

I need to tell someone,

The once metal bars on my cage start to rust.