Pandora Killed the Radio

In a time long ago, when gods ruled the skies,

A Titan stole fire and bestowed it upon man.

The infuriated Zeus, determined to bring demise

To the human race, put forth his vengeful plan.

“Hephaestus,” he said, “You’re a god of great repute!”

There existed no other craftsman quite as brilliant or adept.

“Create for me a woman, both pliable and mute,

Who shall bear a golden box, where pandemics shall be kept.”

Hephaestus fashioned the woman, for it truly was his duty.

Athena, seeing her naked, chose to dress this dame.

Hermes gave her speech and Aphrodite gave her beauty.

However, the poor girl was yet to have a name.

She soon was named “Pandora” and was handed off to Zeus.

In her hands the god placed a tiny, golden case.

If this chest was opened, the woman would let loose

Evils dark and fatal among the human race.

Zeus offered her to Epimetheus, the thieving Titan’s sib.

Epimetheus, enthralled, made Pandora his new wife.

And then the cunning Zeus with a tongue so very glib,

Said, “You must watch the dame; guard her package with your life!”

Unbeknownst to all the mortals, Pandora was their bane.

The golden box tempted every day and every night.

Consumed by curiosity, she finally broke the chain

And out poured all the humans’ dark and wicked plights.

Women screeched, babies cried.

A horror spread throughout the land.

Buildings toppled, flowers died.

Anguish brought by Pandora’s hand.

Out flew afflictions which created unrest.

So many evils, now to exist.

You demand to know what was in this chest?

Well, don’t you fret; I’ve made a list:

There were teenage girls taking Facebook pics,

Obesity, famine, and razor nicks.

There were spoiled children and Hurricane Irene,

Midterms, bugs, and My Super Sweet 16.

There were babies crying when you went out to eat,

Reruns, death, and smelly feet.

There were public bathrooms and Lindsay Lohan,

Homework, Ke$ha, and girls who tan.

There were kids in pet shops who tapped on the glass,

Earthquakes, crocs, and mustard gas.

There was Paris Hilton and animal abusers,

Taxes, nausea, and MySpace users.

There were corrupt politicians and people who gloat,

And those who are judging me based on this poem that I wrote.