On Paper

Dear College Admissions,

Monday: Wake-up, school, volleyball, homework, sleep.

Tuesday: Wake-up, school, volleyball, homework, sleep.

Wednesday: Wake-up, school, volleyball, homework, sleep.

Thursday: Wake-up, school, volleyball, homework, sleep.

Friday: Wake-up, school, volleyball, homework, sleep.

Sat/Sun: Volleyball tournament.

On paper, this is my reality.

I am not only what a piece of paper states I am.

On paper, I am the daughter of Kate and Eric Ward and have a brother named Kenneth Ward.

But on paper, it does not talk about how my parents got divorced my sophomore year of high school. It does not talk about how I am the oldest of the five children in my home. How I am almost as responsible for the wellbeing of these children as my mom and her boyfriend. It does not talk about how my dad made the hard decision to move down to Florida.

On paper, I am an above average student with limited diversity in extracurricular activities.

But on paper, it does not talk about how I maintain these grades and scores on five hours of sleep at night. Or how I have only two-three hours a day to study, do homework, do projects, write essays, eat, and get in any “me” time I need. It does not show how I work over the summer to save up money I will need for the entire year. It does not talk about how I perform unrecorded community service through running aspects of the high school volleyball team and tutoring.

On paper, I play volleyball as a “hobby”.

But on paper, it does not talk about how I am the captain of my team. I am responsible for leading, guiding, and helping to prepare my nationally-ranked team for battle. It does not talk about how I coach a younger age group in order to earn money to help my parents pay for the steep dues of my lifestyle. It does not talk about how volleyball is my life and has shaped me into the person I am. Leadership, responsibility, discipline, work-ethic, mental strength – all are strong characteristics of my personality shaped by this “hobby”.

On paper, I live in Northern Virginia.

But on paper, it does not talk about how I have lived in 5 different states, 7 different towns, and 20 different houses. It does not talk about what it’s like for a child of an active duty military father. It does not talk about how every time I moved I was made fun of for my name. How every time I moved I had to prove myself again. It does not talk about how I was forced to understand the true meaning of “home is where the heart is” at a delicate young age. Or how I became a strong and confident person.

On paper, I am an independent, strong, confident, determined, hardworking young woman.

But on paper, it does not talk about how along with all of these things, I went through a time where I struggled with my self-esteem, in a lonely bubble of denial as I tried to remain “perfect”. How depression tried to take me down, but it lost the battle. It does not talk about through all of this, I suffered in solitary because I was expected to be the person I am on paper and only what is on paper.

It has taken me a long time to realize I can be more than I am on paper. That I am allowed to open up and show people who I am, without the restricting lines. I overcame the mental struggle and came out more self-aware and mentally strong.

I am a person.

I have feelings and emotions.

I am not a simplistic black and white object that can be described on paper.

Yet here I am, trying to do just that.