Paradox of Growing Pains

Times I knew I grew up:

Maybe it was the first time I saw my mom cry. 

My dad didn't know what to do, he just stood there and watched her. 

Didn't try to comfort her, just watched as her world was crashing down. 

The empty pill bottle was lying on the floor and she was crying. 

I didn't know why she was crying, but I didn't know what to do either. I was paralyzed. 

She yelled at my dad for just standing there and letting my see her like that. 

Seeing her like a different person.

Not the woman who smiled when the clouds were grey and laughed in the moments that needed it. 

Not the woman who hugged me when I got hurt or kissed my on the cheek when I feld sad. 

Maybe I grew up when I realized people are paradoxes. 

Like my mom. She was happy around me, but what about when I wasn't there?

Maybe I grew up when I finally realized that people have two sides to them.

Nobody is ever who they tell you or what they show you. 

Maybe I really grew up when I felt confident for the first time. 

I wore a halter top with no bra and shorts that weren't short enough to show my ass, but short enough to make you wonder what's underneath. 

I was in middle school and for the first time in my life I felt beautiful. 

I remember going out in town and noticing many men looking at me. 

We went to a small cafe to sit down and this one particular man kept looking at me. 

He looked to be in his thirties and was with a woman who had a kind face. 

His eyes kept lingering over to me and I could not help but hold them in my hands. 

I had that much power. 

Maybe I grew up the day I realized how much power a woman has over a man. 

All I had to do was smile. Bat my eyes. Look innocent with just a touch of sexiness. 

Then they were hooked. 

It put these thoughts into their heads untill all they wanted was you. 

Women hold so much power that men will never be able to possess. 

Maybe I grew up when I realized the hills aren't as big as they used to be and the days aren't as long. 

Maybe I grew up when I started to hate going to church every Sunday. 

Maybe I grew up when I realized everybody is just trying to make it, just trying to hold on for the next fucking thing. 

The truth is I don't have an exact moment of when I grew up.

Just small pieces that come together to make this person. 

Maybe I've never actually grown up.