Paralysis

You have 24 hours left.Plan accordingly. 22 hours to go. You spent the first two sleeping, And god, you really regret it You dreamt of his arms wrapped around your waist And the way he would never kiss your lips again And all those love letters you wrote, but never sent- Stained arbitrarily by Jack Daniels A perfume he brought you on your 24th birthday Which was worn so punctually since the day you met But those letters were stuffed inside your pillowcase each night So you could devour their scent 19 hours left. The last three exhausted driving to the cottage in the woods Each winter spent lingering beneath the trees Sketching a portrait of the stars into the snow But your artwork has perished Because it’s summer now And at 5:36 in the morning You’re running inside what used to be a castle To your gawking eyes But is now deteriorating Hiding behind shutters that once made your closet And it’s so dark that you can feel your hope Slipping through each slit in the door Up in the attic You manage to find a guitar, Still wrapped in paper, A gift your parents never had the chance to give you Before 2007, Christmas Eve And you couldn’t ask your Aunt for it (Because raising you was difficult enough) 13 hours. You slept through another two back at the cottage But those you won't regret And I swore I heard you whispering in your sleep Was it the names of past lovers So carelessly etched into your tongue? At 11:11, you considered making a wish But remembered how at 7 years old You wished for the bruises on your sister’s face To abandon her because her boyfriend wouldn’t And they had only magnified in color And then again at 14 When the girl in your Geometry class Slammed you against the lockers And your Aunt’s new boyfriend made you believe That you deserved it So stop digging for your old journal Where you recorded that moment Because when you were 19 You carved through the memories Of lemonade stands and first kisses With a knife to mask a bottle of liquor Tell me, was it worth it? And now 5 hours to go. You can finally count them on one hand With the other, you manage to write down All the mistakes you have made as the years pass by But those mistakes created your principles- You were grounded because Your principals gave you detention For loving a boy too much (And punching that girl who stole his gaze) 3 hours. The rose on your dresser Wilted 8 days ago But that doesn't mean Its beauty has perished Why do people believe What's dead is gone? You can finally feel the emptiness in your bones What once contained sweet melodies and rhymes Suddenly seems hollowed Like the guitar you stumbled across this morning Now shattered, It’s not your fault the walls couldn’t grasp its strings Had you beaten it too hard? Were you beaten too hard? 2. You start throwing darts at a map Maybe that’s where you’ll end up in the morning One. It’s your final hour. Perhaps this will be your only true sin-Sainthood was never your fate. You ignored the knocking on your door Assuming it was only the knowledge Of his scythe being summoned soon You don’t need a last meal, 1, 2, Apologize to your aunt. 3, Are the lights flickering? 7, 8, You forget how to spell his name. 11, The last petal drops. 12, Supper is in the medicine cabinet 0.