Passionate Matches

As I sit in my bed, after a long day of academics and physical brutality, I unhook the back of my newly obsidian lace bra. Both hands working in tandem to unleash the built up aggression that has been building since this early morning. The last clasp comes unhinged all the day's pressures and stressors have cascaded out of my teenage, hormone filled body and onto my now full queen sized bed that has been my back bone through the harsh weeks of schooling. I relax my teenage self on to bed knowing that tonight the dream will come, the dream will come again more vividly than the nights before, the dream will come. Pretty pretty pictures of a young teenage boy dance across my eyelids as they take their bow. These images have been persistent in the previous nights. As the night is full of wonders, some good, some bad, I can’t help but wonder whether I was right to not trust myself. Not to trust myself to let my spirit be free, be loud, be passionate. His touch, his breath, his words, keep creeping into my dreams. It's the only way to see or feel his presence anymore (or at least that's what i tell myself). The lessons i teach myself by putting on this play behind my lids are to teach me that independence is for the best. Then my bed. My bed reminds me, it reminds me that i am truly alone. I am alone. Its for the best I tell myself, no need to break his heart, let alone mine. So i sit in bed, alone, and thought filled. His face, his hair, his smile, all there to torture me! To send me into an endless denial of feelings and emotion. His blue eyes with the greenish ring half around. Dilation of the pupils every time we lock eyes on the dance floor. His hands, larger than mine by the plenty, but still perfect matches with my own. I know these thought are what got me here in the first place, but I can’t help imagining everything you do and everything you don’t. You’re my toxine, my kryptonite, my drug that i am ever so addicted to! Yet you are my savior, my safe haven, and anxiety control. One thought of you and I am a peace again. My life is balanced, yet upsidedown. You confuse me. You make everything right. You make me feel extraordinary. You make me feel empty. For what I want is not what i need, because what i want is you but what you need is not me. You need your safe haven, your angel, but I cannot give what I do not obtain. I am a toxin inside your pool of love. I destroy everything you are and stand for, and since I love you I cannot keep you from your true person. Please find happiness. It is all I ask. For all I need is the happy memories we shared that play behind my lids. As i sit in my bed, comfy and warm, I try to move passed the person i've let go. For you deserve pleasure, as much as the world provides, while I sit in my bed and shut my eyes.