Past Mistakes

K-12 was all that I knew.

An institution I grew up in,

A place that I had to fit into the box 

That was molded for me. 

Perfect grades, stellar student, 

A jack of all traits.

I had all my t’s crossed and I’s dotted, 

All my ducks were aligned.

I soon turned eighteen,

An adult finally. 

Graduation came and goodbyes were thrown about.

“I’ll miss you, please keep in touch” were all that came out of everyone’s mouth. 

How empty those phrases would mean to me.

I followed my yellow brick road 

5 hours up north to this new place that I would end up calling home.

Without any tears I waved goodbye to my mom,

Ready to start this new journey. 

I am free I thought. 

The parties began.

High off of drugs, 

Making out with people, 

Getting home drunk every night

This was the life I believed.

Everyone was doing the same thing. 

Like robots we got into a routine.

Eat, sleep, drink, repeat. 

Friends passing out drunk

No one wanting to help.

Seeing them being dragged up the stairs,

Rushing past the crowds to save them.

 A norm for me. 

Befriending drug dealers was what came next,

Getting high 24 hours straight.

Never sober enough to pass my classes.

Failed one exam and getting blasted the next. 

Hit the joint, pass it around, and just zone out. 

That became my new routine. 

Eat, sleep, smoke, repeat. 

I met a guy through it all. 

Let’s just be friends with benefits I said.

Not knowing that would be part of my downfall. 

Two months in and it was over.

My roommates were the final hit. 

Blaming me for their flaws, 

Vomiting lies, 

Never taking ownership for their jealously,

Belittling and bullying me. 

I lost the respect I had for myself, 

Lost my self-esteem, 

Lost who I was,

I lost myself.

Too high off of the drugs,

Depression soon swooped in,

Consumed me from the inside out.

I was a mess. 

Failing my major classes two semesters straight,

About to lose my major. 

All that I did was smoke to remedy it

To take away the pain of my failures and mistakes.

A year after high school

I was no longer the same person. 

I was a stranger to myself.

No one came to wipe my tears away.

These were the mistakes that I made.

An adult was soon the role that I forced myself how to play.

Taking ownership of my errors,

Enforcing discipline upon myself. 

Forcing myself to take responsibility for what I became.

I said goodbye to the drugs, the alcohol. 

I said goodbye to the people who encouraged my behavior. 

I was spiraling out of control,  

I had to clean up my act.

I learned what it meant to be an adult that year. 

An adult carries freedom.

Freedom to all the opportunities, 

Both the good and the bad.

But it is the choices, 

Responsibility,

And the discipline I force upon myself.

Just like mom would do.

That’s what makes me an adult today.