Pens for Hands

I once so feared the world that my palms would sweat. Everything beautiful that I could ever touch Slipped in between my fingers. I tightened my grip, just to find dirt under my nails And to leave far more scratches than intended. With a quill in my hair and eyes lined with blue ink, Rain would leave words falling down my cheeks, So I wiped the summer off my face for the last time. God, I wish I had a time machine. But I have pens for hands. Scribbling through paper until it ripped, Hoping that there would be peace on the other side. Downing yellow paint as though it were altar wine; Looking for salvation in all mediums. Praying that art would mend me. That maybe the pens with which I felt weren't the same as the pens On office desks smeared with bite marks and years of tedium. And one day I'd find that warmth that wouldn't tear. I didn't care if my canvas was a him or a her or an it As long as it was tangible, as it was something Because I will no longer write my stories on crumpled-up wads Of skin-colored paper. Though there is little one can touch with pens for hands, There is too much to feel. Too much to capture. Living became italicized, technicolor, a written fortissimo. The racing of a pulse before it collapses altogether-- a sensory crescendo, An organic cadenza. The Earth took its time. Rivers did not so much run as they did saunter, Waterfalls dripping like rusty taps in December. Inhaling rhymes and playing constellations like connect-the-dot sheets. Donning stained-glass lenses and pretending they’re prescription On days so dark that tomorrow seemed distant, inconceivable. I can’t shake hands with the God-knows-whats in my head. But I don't need to shake hands. I need to create. I am a story with a heartbeat and red ink cascading through my veins Grown in messy handwriting and watered down with pretty words. Everything I touch will be stained. Black smudges like galaxies opening at my lashes Ruining white pillow cases and Tattooing the universe at its ribcage. Painful, Scarring, Wonderful, Inerasable.