Perpetuated Perfection

I slip through conversations

Just following a template

I say the expected

And never stray

From a well-worn path

I am liked

Not loved

Not sought

It seems to be enough

I do not initiate

Rather waiting for…

Well, something

Not sure of what I want

Or exactly how to act

I am safe

Not brave

Not trying

I want to be enough

Am I enough?

My fear stems from experience

And the feeling of rejection

If I try, when I try

I lose perpetuated perfection

My fear can be misleading

I stand straight and proud

If I’m asked, when I’m asked

I’m sure my words are loud

My fear is just irrational

I hold back my true feelings

If I’m gone, when I’m gone

Does anyone hear me leaving?

Okay

I just need to say

I am afraid of failing

Of deviating from the path

Then falling down and wailing

I need to just jump in

Be spontaneous!

Be free!

I get so close

And then I falter

Anxiety holds me hostage

There are things I long to alter

About myself

About my life

I make long lists

Yet never act

Daunted by potential losses

What, just what will happen

If they look at me

And see more

Than only victory?

I’ve tried it a few times

A liberating feeling

Still working on this skill

Of letting go and being

But when I am myself

Truly and completely  

I learn that revealing flaws   

Makes living fully easy

And so I’ll try and try more still

To shed selfish protection

And get away, so far away

From my perpetuated perfection