The world seemed to go on, the sky remained blue the grass greener than ever

But momma went missing

Silence filled the house, so deafening it hurt our ears

We learned to muffle our steps and not to make noise

A darkness curtained everywhere we stepped

It hurt our eyes it was so dark

We taught ourselves not to carelessly leave pieces of us around, so maybe we would be safe from the dark

Sometimes there would be these monstrous noises

The whole house would shake

Strange voices and faces took over our home

The strangers spoke too softly, and hugged us too often

They took all the oxygen

We learned to live without taking a single breath

I was told too many times “how brave I was for being 9”

I wasn’t brave, I was scared of the dark and still slept with a night light

Most of all I was never as scared as at that moment

Momma where did you go?

Daddy was gone forever

And momma went missing

 

Momma came back

But she wasn’t the same

She didn’t feel the same, her skin felt rough

No longer was she soft to the touch

She sounded different

No longer her voice soothing and relaxed

Every breath she took quavered, every word spoken tumbled

She didn’t smell the same

No longer had a rich perfume filled our noses as we fell into her warm embrace

Instead we breathed in sour, scentless air

She didn’t look the same

No longer was she so vibrant that she lit the room

Instead what stood was a dim, shapeless figure

Momma came back but she wasn’t our momma

 

Momma was here, but she wasn’t our momma

I became a momma

I had no clue how to be a momma

Sometimes I would go missing like momma

I wanted to be as free as the birds in the sky and fly far away

But I couldn’t fly away and I could never be gone for too long

My sisters needed a momma

I wasn’t supposed to be a momma

 

Momma wasn’t momma, I was momma

To be the new momma

I learned to be soft to the touch

I learned to speak soothingly and relaxed

I even learned to smell nice

I ironed out every nook and cranny of what a momma should never be

All these things I learned

I forgot who I was

I didn’t like being a momma

 

As the new momma

I could no longer callous my hands on the monkey bars with the other girls

I had to keep my hands soft for my sister so when they came crying I could be there momma

I could no longer skip rope till the lights came on in the neighborhood

For the fear that it may become too late and there would be no dinner on the table

I could no longer play house

It became my reality

I wasn’t me I was a momma

 

I hated being a momma

I hated the other kids with a momma that smiled and didn’t cry all the time

I hated that their daddy got to live on earth with them and always got to see them

I hated that my daddy lived in heaven without us and I only got to see him in my dreams

I hated waking up for bitter reality patiently waited for me

I hated my sisters for not being able to take care of themselves

I hated how they wouldn’t help me and got to play

I hated how I felt that way about my sisters

But most of all I hated who I was

 

In a beautiful world I wasn’t I