The Pineapple Streusel

Dear Vivian,

The last time I spoke to you

I had just graduated.

You called me hours after,

And we only talked for a few minutes.

You had made a comment about the stars

And how I could find you in them

Whenever I found myself missing you.

We both knew this was the last time.

But the truth was,

When they called to tell me you were sick,

I never thought there would be a last time.

I always thought there’d be a forever.

Most people don’t grow up knowing

Their great grandmother

Much less being best friends with them

I suppose I am lucky.

I remember the jokes we shared

Over dinner at a buffet

In upper New York

When I was fourteen

I remember the mug you bought me

That read EVL, which stood for your town.

It’s the only mug I drink out of anymore.

It’ll always be my favorite

I remember the grocery store runs

When we’d speak in German

So you could tell me about

The people in town you hated.

I remember when we found out

I was extremely allergic to pineapple

Only after you had taught me

How to bake pineapple streusel.

I remember 2016.

I would call you after every new tragedy.

I called you in February

And cried all night.

You taught me the value of knowing a person

Over what the news says about them.

About how people can be different,

But the memories are still true.

I called you in June,

The day of the twelfth.

You told me people do bad things,

That I’ll always miss my friend.

You told me I shouldn’t let pain get in the way

Of living the way I want to live.

I didn’t know that losing you

Would hurt more than

Any pain I’d call you about.

When my dad called last May,

Just a week after my graduation,

When you told me you knew

I’d make it out of high school alive

I lost more than my great grandmother.

I lost my best friend.

I lost the woman who taught me German

I lost the woman who taught me

The importance of politics and knowledge.

I lost the sassiest girl alive.

I lost the stories of family history

And the person I could call

To tell the latest gossip, or tragedy,

Or the funniest joke I’d heard to.

But it’s been almost a year.

I try to not let the pain stop me.

I’m still with the boy that you thought

Was so great.

I no longer let the news tell me how to feel.

I still drink coffee from my EVL mug.

And I still have the recipe

Of the streusel cake that almost

Killed me.

But I am evolving,

I believe into a person you would’ve loved.

And I still watch the sky

Every sunset and night

Knowing that the stars

Don’t shine as bright as you did.

But they are still there

Every night

Just as you are with me

Through every season of my life.

Always and forever,

Jill