A Planned But Unscheduled End

every so often when my depression is harsh i say goodbye instead of goodnight its a difference so sudtle not many even notice enough for a second thought i think of it all the time how easily i could just end it all but i havent done it i fear that i will one day but for now i am surviving i stay alive for any reason i can grasp i try to live i try to feel alive i have my good moments but more often i feel fear and uncertainty maybe im not good enough for anything it all adds up and weighs me down i try to use good things as a float but im kept under by my doubts and i sink down im pulled so far under i drown in my own sorrow and fear an existence ive been used to for so long maybe one day i can learn to breath under my sea of doubts or gather the strength to push through to the surface but until then goodbye