please.

i am on the edge of a panic attack every fucking night and i want to cry i want to breath heavy and let go of whatever is crawling in my stomach rippling my organs around until burning tears prick me small pins and needles decorate my body eccentric jewelry i am not allowed to wear or show off or anything because i can't even speak talking is always too much and people always want to talk to me i cant even breathe and they want to talk craving hyperventilation and begging for a breakdown god i want to cry god i want to sob and scream and throw up in my bathroom feel the emotions that create battle scars on my vulnerable wrists instead of wasting away slowly killing myself behind a smile i am not panicking over nothing the world is ending and i am the catalyst an unimportant pawn in the fucking capitalist sheep game billionaires who play monopoly with our lives my grades depending on my ability to save the lives of humans to care and nurture and analyze and help but im not worth anything if i fucking fail so i keep going sleep deprived and begging god to kill me you have to live someone told me a year or two ago don't they understand nothing is fucking worth it if i can't even breathe if i don't even want to there is so much ahead of me but all i want to do is feel the emotions that have been stripped away from me in a horrible round of russian roulette i wish i was the victim not the one pulling the trigger although in my situation they may just be the same thing im not even sad i dont understand a lot of things but i want to feel my own pain i can tell it's there and i want it wanting begging craving it sobbing and screaming are all i want and i dont understand why i just cant have them please