A Poem to Deadname

A girl half alive half dead

She never really was alive

But I have always loved her

Her soft and gentle hands that I adore in all who touch mine

Her heart shaped face and round eyes that onced sparkled but now have gone dull

I remember her well

Her soft chest and the ink splotch of pigment that she never learned why it was there

Her ribs that I have moved trying to be rid her of that soft chest that had I not had to share this home with her I would have not even payed mind to.

Her tummy and all the good food it has held

Her 

Her

Her

Deadname, 

I’m sorry you had to die for me

And I wish I hated you

I wish I could drink a magic potion that made it so you never existed

Maybe if I did I could have some peace

The peace that I never killed you

But

I had to

Because you were never really there

But I still see you

I see you in the 50 Hz gap between me and where I should be

In these soft fingers and weak nailbeds

I see you in the not quite sharp enough jaw, in my own memories, in all I do

I see you in the way people talk to me. 

And I don’t hate you, I love you Deadname

But I have to kill you

If I ever want to see the light

I am flat chest, rougher hands, sharper jaw,

 eyes that may one day see the world without fear but today is not that day

I am everything I hate about you and everything I will become

I am the curve of my ribs and the scars that will one day line my chest and the smile on my face

I am Good friend, French name that my mother did not give me,

And I’m sorry that you had to die for me.

Thank you Deadname. I’d say you’ll be missed but you only have one foot in the grave

And I have to pull you down

In order for me to

 finish the journey out.