poisionous

Dear my late night thoughts, 

sadist,

it is someone who is pleasured by another's pain, sexually.

though i wouldn't describe myself to be of that definition, exceptionally

but it seems to me that i am pleasured by my self pain, intentionally 

and you're probably thinking, "are you sure you're thinking about this intellectually?'.

i am a masochist. 

listen.

i constantly find my own actions to put me in positions where i feel the worst 

and then wishing that they could've been reversed to avoid my outbursts 

i have anxiety

and i remember when i first became diagnosed 

because after a while i still found a way to make it feel like i was its host 

when hurt and fear was my parasite

that squeezed under my skin and gave my soul a bite

and has been sucking my life out as if its never lost its appetite. 

or how about when i hurt whom i love the most without remorse to consequence 

and i suddenly feel like i've lost conciousness

due to my try of dominence

but forgot that pain was never prominence. 

and i've foolishly placed my heart throb in that position

which already affects our strong, love addiction

but our setbacks add on to already our contradictions.

but thats what happens when you've breathed masochistic ways as oxygen

and become full of regret that you've ever hurt your whole world named Jonathan. 

the pain will heal and it scares me to try to put myself into this category

but its hard to change when you're used to each situation being a repeated story

but its time for my mind to shut off the forbidden territory that i call my inner wicked,

my "delicious poison".