Poison

Do you remember the night that guy told you that you were the eighth wonder of the world? Why can’t you see yourself like that? Why do you insist on repeating the words of the past in your head countless times a day? He told you that you were weak. He told you that you were stupid, ugly, and unlovable. You believed him then and you believe him still.

What if he was right?

This question still runs through your mind late at night. How many times? How many times will you finally begin to feel good about yourself then lose it because you let his voice interfere with your thoughts again? How many times are you going to look at a man and tell yourself you’ll never be loved because that’s what Cosmo always told you? You can’t see the beauty that others say is there. Instead, you tear yourself down so small that you become an ant running from the pesticide that is your own mind. Tell me, why is it that every time you see that one boy in particular you feel a little worse about yourself despite the fact that he has done nothing to deserve the blame for making you feel that way? Why do you do this to yourself? You can believe the lies that someone else spoke to you long ago but you can’t believe the truths that you try to tell yourself today.

Since when can’t you trust YOU?

Even now as you say this you’re thinking you aren’t worth anything. You sit in your feeble attempt to feel cute and question why you can’t change your way of thinking. Your mind yearns for the antidote to the poison that he dosed you with. Is it his fault? If you had never met him would you still feel this way? Part of you thinks he needed to come into your life to get you where you are. The rest of you is screaming and cursing yourself for letting him infect your life.

You were thirteen. You didn’t know any better.

Excuses! You should have known! You were stupid!

Stop. You aren’t helping yourself.

It has been years but there are still days when you look in the mirror and hear his voice telling you that no one is ever going to love you. You’re screaming out for help but no one can hear you because you won’t open your mouth. You won’t tell a soul. You never told a soul. You were the only one who could have started your rescue. You locked yourself in this tower.

You did this. Save yourself.