Poison

I give my mom a hug and feel nothing. No happiness, no love, no comfort. I want to repel away. She looks at my face with worry as she sees the absence of care on my face. She sees my dark eyes and straight smile. I register her face but do nothing to calm her thoughts. I have never been the type of person to fake a smile or to fake an emotion. I am blunt and wear my emotions on my sleeves. She leaves and I turn up the music. I feel the sound and pain in my body. The music has a way of putting pressure on me. The music pumps through my veins.  I can feel the pain the artists felt and think the same thoughts. I feel the anger and sadness. I feel the loss of hope. I can feel no love or happiness. It is harder to breathe and I feel my hair and face to remind myself I am still living. I think about my mom. I think of how she does not understand. She wants to know what I am thinking. She wants to understand. How can she understand me when I cannot even understand myself? Sometimes I have very disturbing thoughts. I imagine myself ripping my hair out in frustration. I have imagined myself possessed and filled with only darkness. I imagine me scratching my skin off but instead I dig my nails into my bed. I imagine me with evil eyes and a straight, mean looking face. I fold over upon myself and just feel the pain numbing my body. The poison has spread throughout my body. It falls from my eyes and rolls down my face. I try to catch my breathe but I can’t. My lungs feel like they are collapsing in on themselves. Then I desperately take a breath. My lungs fill with oxygen, but I feel no relief. I sob in pain. My heart feels as though it has bursted. My brain presses against my head, sending sharp needles to my temples. I stay folded over waiting for it all to pass. Time feels as though it is standing still waiting, and waiting, and waiting  for time itself. I wait and wait and wait for the poison to leave, but it never does.