Prayer To My Friend

God?

How is it that two people can be on opposite sides of the planet. Gone through the same experience. Lost all the same things. And feel totaly different things at night.

Why is it that I'm here, in Hell, with my skin pulled over my eyes, wrapped three times around my skeleton, stretched far beyond its capacity with enough wet salt on my face to fill the ocean twice. A heart heavier than gold and blood ran dry.

Thinking.

What a loss I have just endured.

And all of the feelings that go along with that.

When

She,

my dearest friend.

Is sitting in Heaven

brushing her hair

saying,

"I don't know why you're bothering to talk to me, it's over. If you think such things than just don't talk to me."

When

She

Is the one who banished me to Purgatory.

She will go home tonight.

Break bread with her lover.

Share a glass of wine.

Be told she is beautiful.

She is kind.

She is genuine.

There is nothing not to love.

"My darling, how could I ever leave your side?"

But friend--

How could you!

No, not that.

Not this or that or here or there.

Not every injustice you've ever cursed upon me.

Friend,

I mean how could you!

Besides all the trauma

Besides all her sisters

I thought we had something deeper.

I thought my absence was something unspoken, unheard of, unimaginable.

I thought it was too much to even bear a thought over.

My dearest friend,

How could you!

Make me think my loyalty was the greatest gift I could give.

And should the unspoken injustice occur,

You would see its magnitude.

You wouldn't be able to carry on.

You'd do everything in your power to reverse it.

You'd give your grave if it would mean not knowing what the darkness of my absence feels like.

I thought

My friend,

You would at least care.

But

Instead

"It's over"

Are your words of very easily taken defeat.

And still

Because of this

Here I am

Swallowing my bathwater

Half hoping it will fill my lungs before the pain does.

When it gets too quiet at night,

Here I am

Gathering soldiers to combat the suffering trickling up my spine.

But you.

Break that goddamn bread with your goddamn lover and gulp that goddamn wine without any regard to what you are doing,

By simply not caring,

To another human being drowning in the fate you have sealed for her.

Don't you dare tell me

That's just how it is.

Don't you dare tell me you understand, either.

I have sold my soul for 30% off for you to be told you are beautiful at dinner.

So God?

I ask you.

How do I get out of this suffering?

My dearest friend has left me stranded and couldn't care less how I feel.

My friend who I thought could see through my words and understand the true complication of betrayal and tell me how much she is hurting, too.

God please tell me how to feel alive again.

God please tell me why she is doing OK.

And I am swimming in a bottomless sea of bitter,

bitter, very volatile

anger.

Nothing seems to be helping my weeping soul.

Please God,

If you are real,

This is no time for a test.

I am dying.

Test me after a good night's sleep.