Pretending

To love and to be loved is a weird occurrence 

To really unconditionally freely and completely live and be loved is rarity 

But to love and be loved and question that love is part of living 

Living like the love you receive for your everything is charity 

There's no way they could love me for all that I am 

Not when there's more or better or more beautiful out there for them to grasp 

Not when I am nothing and they are everything slipping out of this clasp

To feel worthless, expendable, absolutely lacking of quality and  desirability 

In your mind in your own thoughts and in your own heart 

You are zero 

That zero that weighs everything that you are for the world to see on your sleeve as on your knees you beg God please to change you, to make you better 

With no reply, no release, nothing 

Nothing 

Just like you 

Yet someone loves you, or at least they say they do really, unconditionally, freely 

All while their eyes wander, their heartbeat escalates for another, they yearn 

They yearn for more or better or  more beautiful 

And I sit here with nothing more and nothing better and nothing more beautiful 

Hating the love that I give for the love that you let me borrow 

Falling apart in the mirror hating what I see dripping in sorrow 

But for now 

For now I'll keep pretending 

Pretending to feel love that is free and unconditional as I await that which brings conditions and payment 

To love and be loved is a weird occurrence 

Something to want, something to need