Prolonged Pain

17, the first time, 

Huge lower back pain,

Great agony,

Wanting to stay in bed, an eternity.

Exhaustion followed,

Many days that passed,

Concentrate on nothing,

How long would it last?

Time flew by, in this way,

Weariness on my soul,

Not going away, Detached from it all,

Nothing made sense.

From boxer, soldier, boxer again.

Wasn't civvy street that did it to me,

Had to look back, 

Wasn't ready then. 

Relationships, work, friendships too,

Nothing seemed to matter,

Couldn' get a handle,

My head - a piping hot stew.

23,

Magic number back then,

Barred your soul,

So it began.

Tears, grief, much melancholy,

Sadness didn't disspiate, 

Time went  by, 

Things evened out, or perhpas got used too.

Used to grey,

Tiredness still my friend,

28,

The travelling bug began.

SE Asia, 1st destiny,

Partying, hookers, much money,

Hangover, drugs,

Life becoming crazy.

Journey could end any moment,

Almost spent,

Exhausted feeling,

Carry on through.

Tiredness still my friend,

A huge part of me,

Reckless sex, reckless living,

Russia roulette - very acquinated. 

Sailing this way for a while,

Voyage of discovery,

Huges waves to deal with,

Coming down, regularly.

Moment bit,

Clarity,

Albeit,

Drowsily.

Decide to continue,

Desire wholeness too,

Regular life,

Reall want a gf too.

Back to the world,

Travelling, taking risks,

Gambling it all,

This is intoxicating. 

Over time the buzz wore off,

Tiredness again,

Feeling numb,

Throughout.

Detached from life once more,

Alienated from those around you,

Run away,

Perhaps, end it too?

Gravity of time,

Crept up on me then,

Happens so fast, Wish I was ten,

Still numb to it all. 

No-one to love, laugh, and hold,

Always been this way,

Know nothing else,

Time to fold.

One more chance,

Life opportunity,

Run away this time,

Great capital city.

Only to find,

Nowt changes,

Problems of the past,

Come to me. 

Demons, tears, fears,

All part of you,

Life accustommed this way,

Feeling stuck, nothing new.