The Promise I Broke

What is worse than breaking a promise,

One you made to a friend?

Breaking the one you made to yourself.

I made myself a promise long ago,

When the world seemed open

That I would be okay.

I made myself a promise to be okay.

I made myself a promise to get better,

But I feel like I'm worse.

I have no self control so I get fatter,

So I call myself names and think of purging.

I think of skipping meals...

I look at blades, or nails and wonder how much it would hurt,

If the blood and pain could keep me alright...

I look in the mirror and want to shatter it

Take it apart because I hate my reflection.

But I don't because I refuse to hurt you.

I don't care, I don't love myself,

I haven't for years.

However my heart shatters to see you in tears.

So I keep silent my anxiety,

I keep silent my tears,

I keep silent of my panic attacks,

I keep silent my fears.

I stay quiet and keep my eyes dry for your sake,

Not for mine.

I broke my promise,

I crossed a line.

But I am numb to myself,

So I will smile and lie.

My broken promise you see will not hurt anyone,

Except the frightened and broken girl.

The one I know as me.