PTSD

I feel dead inside 

When will the crippling fear end?

Am I a lost cause?

Could I have changed the course?

I could have told them

I let them believe the lie

If only they knew 

Fear kept me silent, alone

Who wouldn't feel fear?

Abuse- hurt people hurt people 

Guilt is fear's weapon 

Guilt held me a prisoner 

The fear is still there 

But fuck you, Guilt, you won't win.

I'm not the abuser

I was a child, innocent 

So take this guilt and shove it

Where the sun won't shine 

Because you derserve

To feel the weight of your guilt

Its not my burden 

It's the choking fear I hate

I can't even breath

That fear is PTSD

Mocks my happiness 

Threatens to destroy it all

Funny how it works

Happy memories can bring

Can bring me back to that place 

A glimpse of joy

But fear takes the memory,

Shoves my nose in it

With unrelenting cruelty 

Tells me I'm worthless 

That fear is PTSD

Mocks my resilience 

Tells me I have no future

Kicks me when I'm down

Onother day of solitude 

Quarantine day what? 

Not lying, gas was $150

It's year 1999

Or is it year 2001?

The second tower

I watched it crumble to dust 

I felt that feeling

The external world began 

to match the inner 

The existential chaos

In my soul, I take a breath 

The walls crumble down

My fear brings the fractured past

Into here and now

Controls the frontal cortex

Amygdala bows 

That fear is PTSD