Purpose

As I lay here in this dark room body pressed against the cold wooden floor tears begin to run down the sides of my face and as for other parts of me such as my heart well, my heart is slowly becoming numb. Numb from hurtful words, numb from hate, numb from sin. And as for my thoughts, well my thoughts are slowly shifting from love and mercy to anger and hatred.  If you couldn’t tell, I am at the lowest point in my life. Doubt steadily runs through my mind as it’s being chased by fear like two kids playing tag.  My faith is run down and I’m mentally falling into a continuous loop of sin and mistakes. And because of sin, I am left lost, delirious, and ultimately afraid of the misery that comes along with the circumstances God has brought forth to my doorstep.  “Why?” I ask myself looking down at this package given to me, why? Why won’t God change my circumstances, take this box filled with uncertainty and pain away from my door, give it to someone stronger and better equipped than me because I can’t do this anymore. Why use me? Broken, foolish, inferior. People check in and out of my life as if I’m a cheap hotel that you can spend the night in and check out the next morning not caring enough to clean up the mental disaster left behind for me to take care of.  God where are now when I need you the most? I listened to the preachers, I listened to my mother, I listened to all the sermons and devotionals, but where are you? Why are you letting this happen to me? The more and more I try to act good the more empty and hollow I feel. These are the thoughts that parade around inside my mind and eat away at my soul, and as I gather my thoughts and body together, I pull myself off the floor and drag myself over to my bed covered in balled up pieces of scratch paper and bible verses. While sitting on the edge of my bed, I glance over at my window noticing the beautiful stars that shine just above me and I’m instantly reminded of those two words, “He’s fighting.” And as those two words begin to penetrate deep into my mind my heart slowly started to change. I realized that even the demons that try to torment me and take over my mind know that Jesus is God. So slowly my anger and hatred start to turn into forgiveness and peace and as I looked around the mess that is my room I noticed some of the many Bible verses laying on my bed John 13:7 “You do not realize what I am doing, but later you will understand.” Psalm 18:30 “As for God His way is perfect the Lord’s word is flawless He shields all who take refuge in Him.” As these words entered my mind tears began to fall down my cheeks again because I had come to realize what I had slowly forgotten along the way.

See what you don’t understand is that even when you’re like me, faithless and in denial God is faithful and He is still fighting for you. For a life with God is not a pass from difficulties and pain but a life of peace to endure those difficulties. When I am lost I know God will always find me. And If I continue to fill my mind with God’s word I will have no room for Satan's lies or seek validation from others. See I don't believe in God because my parents told me, or because my pastor told me to. I believe in God because I have experienced the love and goodness He has granted upon me. And when I get that package with uncertainty and pain at my doorstep I will remind myself that God isn’t going change my circumstances because He is trying to change me within the circumstances. My character and integrity matter to God because they are everlasting qualities that God is trying to help me develop so I can accomplish what he has called me to be.  There will always be a purpose for my pain. Even a “no” from God has goodness written all over it. You see I will no longer be broken instead I will become stronger, wiser, and more beautiful than before because God took those broken jagged pieces and He has made me new again. When I wake up in the morning I will no longer clothe myself in fear of not being good enough, smart enough, strong enough, or even pretty enough, but instead, I will clothe myself in who Jesus is because Jesus is more than enough. No amount of Christian activity will compensate for my authentic relationship with Jesus. When I mess up I know that I will remain God’s child because He knows my heart and loves me with all of His. And I’m so thankful that God hasn’t let me go because I’ve let Him go, lots of times. He rescued me and continues to amaze me with things that are beyond what I deserve for myself. And when the world has completely knocked me down and broken my spirit I know that His love is what sets me free. The opinions of my friends and family will not interfere with the directions God has given me because I know He has called me to be an outcast and not to fit in and If my life doesn’t make sense to those who don’t believe in God well I must be doing my job right because it shouldn’t when heaven is your audience you live differently. Being like the world will no longer be my goal because I put my trust in the Lord and I long for much more than anything this world could ever have in store. My relationship with Jesus will set the tone of every other relationship in my life so I will fix my eyes on Him and watch how the things around me change because the people who leave everything in God’s hand will eventually see God’s hand in everything and I will no longer chase what God has sent or go outside of obeying God to get something because I will have to stay outside of Him to keep it, so I will devote my life to the Lord knowing that I belong to him and not the world, so I won’t have to be like everyone else or fit in with a certain group of people in order to feel like  God will do beautiful things in my life. I am His so I will give my all to Him because how can one not make time with the maker of time? And to think you can love God without being changed by Him, is to think you can jump into the ocean and not get wet. To really love God, you must understand that your life is going to be wrecked by Him, and built again into something beautiful, something lasting. For when your roots are planted deep there is no need to fear the wind.