Quiet

It’s important to know where the line is

how far to go
and when to turn back

I was tired of living in a toxic environment

sick of feeling pressured to do things that slowed me down

exhausted from defending my terrible role models

So I started to run
I thought I was running to get something

A smaller waist

A sense of accomplishment

But it turns out it’s what I was running from that saved me

I ran from the footsteps that you laid out for me

The trail you’d led me on – towards the same fate you’ve chosen
So I ran
I ran in the opposite direction
I ran for cleaner organs and higher expectations
I’d run as far as the eye could see
I’d kick rocks
I’d scream
and I’d curse you’re name
then I’d run some more

It took about 6 months.

6 months for my best friend to become a monster.

 It took 72 hours for my world to collapse

and 9 months to pick up the pieces.

I’m still picking up the pieces.

This is where the anger comes
where I say how much I’ve grown to hate you
how I’ve never felt so betrayed
this is where I question why you’ve chosen drugs over your family

Over everything you love

But I’m sorry

I have no energy for hate

I have no capacity for sympathy

They call this a disease

Well good, because it’s killing me

Killing me to know that you’ve chosen to ignore your only sister for 6 months

Killing me to know that you’re sleeping on couches and spending hundreds on black tar

So when I run, I run to get away from these memories of you

I run to prove to myself that I’m stronger than you ever could be

I run to remind everyone that I’m not going to make the same mistakes

Your mistakes

That I’m going to thrive

I’m going to advance
Versus this stand still, peter – pan mentality you’ve tried to embed in me
We aren’t all 16 forever
this isn’t neverland 

I’m tired of living in your shadow

You ripped out the floor from beneath us and walked away

Every decision you make effects someone else
every single time you refuse to recognize that

A relationship dies

I let my brother go to the devil in his own way
I released the weight I’ve been carrying for the past 9 months and I tossed it into these mountain tops

I am powerless to the things I cannot understand

And I am helpless to those that I cannot control

So I run

I run for better days and brighter tomorrows

I run for strength and security

I run for sanity and possibilities

I run to remind myself I am better than my past and only a small portion of the greatness of my future