Rant #28

Wow, I haven't posted in forever it feels like. Just haven't had the time I guess

and when typing I also accidentally deleted several poems on accident. I guess

you can say I was frustrated as I can't find a way to bring those words back, You can't bring back things

that have already been deleted- cons to  not writing on paper. Alas, here's another rant that helped me think through some things

and so I guess I'll post it here(;

Tonight I actually felt beautiful for the first time in a long time.

I went downstairs in my favorite shirt,

with my hair actually combed for the first time in weeks.

I actually made made an effort.

I've been feeling better recently,

I've eaten, I've finally taken a shower.

I've been able to get out of bed and tonight I made an effort to look nice.

My radiant sister did my hair and I wore my most flattering slacks,

to cover my scars and make me feel just a touch more strong.

I looked in the mirror and this time, I didn't hate myself as much,

I didn't want to vomit or just crawl back to bed where everything warmer and safer,

to a place where  I could peacefully rot.

instead I smiled a real smile with brushed teeth.

I felt happy.

Felt. Good.

I pulled myself up and stood so, so tall in my little kitten heels.

I had forgotten the reason why I always walk with a slump, 

because if I'm closer to the ground I won't fall as hard,

it doesn't hurt as bad.

I went down the stairs expecting my momma to complement me.

my hair, or my shirt or something. But, she, well instead she called me a whore.

I crumpled. 
Like an aluminum soda can with no more sugary sweet drink to offer. 
I remembered why I don't wear my hair down,

I remembered  why I only like to wear oversized sweatshirts and sweaters so I look less fat.

And I remembered why I can only where long pants and socks.

I have nothing more to offer.

Nothing more to give.

I'm empty.

 No one cares about ripping and cutting up trash.

And no one's going to care when an empty crushed aluminum can flys out of their car.

Never to be seen again, belonging only to the wind.

in fact it would only make their car cleaner.